Inside the secretive life of a swinger.

By DANIEL STERN

Despite your delusions to the contrary, swingers, by and large, are a civilized lot.  A hodgepodge of ages, shapes, sizes, nationalities, ethnicities, beliefs, opinions, IQs, and senses of humor.

We have families, friends, careers, hobbies, mortgages, and retirement plans.  In short, we’re just like everyone else.

We don’t strap on leather chaps and nipple clamps to go about our day.  Wearing kinks on our sleeves like badges of honor is not our style.

Truth be told, we don’t talk that much about our dalliances— at least not to Vanilla folk.  We’re not ashamed. We simply assume most of the world doesn’t get our way of life.  And more times than not we’re right.

Though we’re like everyone else, our views on sex are admittedly not the norm.  To us sex is just another social activity, often involving refreshments and social etiquette.  Also unique is the distinction we make between sex and love.

For us, sex is physical and temporary; love emotional and eternal. For many couples, love is the bond that permits Lifestyle participation.

And, for some, vice versa.

Now, for all its accepting nature, the Lifestyle considers single men interlopers at best.  Clubs and house parties prohibit single male attendance or, at best, tolerate it on specific nights.

Couples and females block men from emailing or even viewing their profiles.  Solo males are ignored, shrugged off, considered the incurable problem children of the Lifestyle.  Men, if you can’t tolerate this reality, stick to whatever online dating site into which you’ve already invested however many years and spent however much in the way of subscription fees.  Odds are the smattering of one-off coffee speed-dates you’ve obtained is far more success than you’ll have in the Lifestyle.  And, before you think otherwise, yes, the odds do absolutely apply to you.

Dissuaded yet, fellas?  I’m trying my darndest to do so.

Not for my benefit.  I dissuade because I care.

The Lifestyle isn’t for the thin-skinned or easily dismayed.  Don’t take my word for it.  Google “swinging single male” and read for yourself the cesspool of articles and blogs that attest to the fact that you simply don’t belong in the Lifestyle.

Now, before you cry foul, this stereotype isn’t wholly undeserved.  The number of stories I’ve heard about your rude, pushy, selfish single males is beyond reprehensible.  Your abhorrent behavior has reached proportions so epic that I’m all-too-frequently embarrassed to wield a penis.  Not only have the vast majority of you sullied the single male reputation almost beyond salvation, but you’ve picked off playtime opportunities with the skill of a celibate assassin.

Couples welcoming males into their beds have shunned the lot of us after a single experience with one of you.  Your thoughtless behavior has convinced women craving sexual exploration to weld on chastity belts.  With impressively minimal effort you have cast the single male population as the Black Plague of the Lifestyle.  And these are just the stories I’ve heard.  I cannot fathom the true number of tragic tales that exist.

This isn’t to say males are solely responsible for all bad times.  Fact is the bulk of couple and female profiles are blocked to single males and the majority of swinger events are planned at their exclusion.  Parties can even require an established guest “vouch for” or “sponsor” a male.  And even then he’s welcomed with heavy skepticism.  Subject to this Lifestyle ban, single males can’t be responsible for the majority of bad experiences.  Mathematically, it’s impossible.

However, any swinger can attest that the overwhelming majority of willing (and mostly able) swinging bodies belong to single men.

Men create most of the profiles and publish most of the posts.  If a woman desires immediate sexual attention, a male will rise to the occasion almost every time.

Should a couple desire to “spice up” their relationship, their wish is far more easily granted by accepting the services of a single male than by searching for a compatible couple or solo female.

But why, if males have the Lifestyle numbers, are they prohibited from most opportunities?

Consider a normal bar on a normal Saturday night.  Droves of men buying women drinks hand-over-fist to demonstrate their chivalric natures.  Unfortunately, their gestures are so transparent that their true motives to coax women to bed are easily quashed.

Now, consider another bar.  Same Saturday night.  Same people, same drinks.  However, at this bar, sex needn’t be coerced as it is the reason everyone gathered.  That saying, “A kid in a candy store”?  We’re talking Willy Wonka’s sex dungeon.

It doesn’t take a genius to understand the mere possibility of sex fogs over a man’s common sense and leaves him with a pushy, disrespectful disposition.

What’s happened over the years is that these unattractive traits have become so omnipresent, so expected in single males, that the swinging community has been forced to cut them off.  Couples, females, party hosts, and club owners limit interaction with single males to avoid even the remote possibility of another emotionally-scarring episode.  They’ve just been burned too many times.

However, what women and couples fail to realize is that this exclusion, rather than protect them from single male horrors, instead pokes the grizzly bear with a red hot iron.  Repeated denials have nurtured a rabid beast in heat that reasons if he just tried harder and pressured more he’d be allowed to participate.  This faulty reasoning has resulted in an eager, excited male whose well-meaning actions come off as aggressive and rude.  Thus, the origin of the single male stereotype and the fuel feeding the inferno of bad behavior.

Don’t misunderstand.  Women and couples shouldn’t forgive and forget and welcome single males into their beds with open arms and legs.  Though I might benefit from such a response, I whole-heartedly discourage it as it rewards incivility and does nothing to remedy the growing problem.  Instead, I propose single males admit their downfall is the result of their behavior and that they must take responsibility for their actions and change themselves.

The Lifestyle is about sex.  There’s no denying that.

But sex is not all the Lifestyle is about — a fact many males ignore, push aside, or outright deny.

Swingers seek fun, compatible people with whom they can enjoy good, adult times.  Let me repeat that: Swingers seek fun, compatible people with whom they can enjoy good, adult times.  Rude, pushy, insensitive single males remember the “good, adult fun” part, but forget the “people” part.

If the rude, pushy, insensitive male thought before he acted, he wouldn’t be destined for failure.  If he viewed the Lifestyle in terms of sexual matchmaking rather than as an orgiastic smorgasbord he would not only achieve greater success, but also better the odds for his comrades.

Despite their current, understandable ostracism, single men are needed.  First off, not all heterosexual women want another female in the mix.  Many want to be the sole center of attention.  Not to mention a second woman brings with her greater potential for romantic complications.

Men are also necessary because, as crass as this may sound, parties aren’t free.  The inflated “donation” required by single men isn’t pure profit.  Hotels, refreshments, and condoms cost money.  Prohibit single men from the guest list and women and couples are left picking up the tab, a none-too-enticing proposition, wouldn’t you agree?

Just as I’m not suggesting women and couples unconditionally accept single males, I’m not proposing single guys band together in an act of civil disobedience until equal swinging rights are granted.  As I’ve said, there’s a place for solo males; but we have a lot of work to do.

Deeply ingrained perceptions need to be changed.  Trust and respect must be earned.  Once a new, positive single male stereotype usurps the current, disparaging one, I am confident single men will be viewed as a benefit to the community.

Extract from Swingland by Daniel Stern, published by Nero and available in stores now.

 Daniel Stern is Director of Operations at an entrepreneurial company and a screenwriter who placed in the top four in Project Greenlight and was a Sundance Lab screenwriting finalist. He lives in Los Angeles.