If you are sharing your home with a small person, you’ll know that all toddlers have secretly signed this behavioural code of conduct.
We all love our kids. Even though there are some good stages and not-so-good stages. And one of those not-so-good stages is when a toddler adds speaking freely, thinking freely and acting freely to his repertoire of toddler conduct.
In short, life gets much more interesting.
1. The art of interruption. When your parent(s) appear to be having a deep conversation with another adult, announce that you have to poo. If you are still in nappies, extra credit awarded for grunting and straining to make it appear like you are trying to pass a brick.
2. Refuse broken food. When being served a banana, if it breaks during the peeling process, REFUSE to eat it. Actually, make that the rule for anything that breaks before being served. Yes, even cookies.
3. Play chicken. When out to eat, stand up in the booth, then turn around and stare at the person eating behind you for so long it becomes creepy.
4. Never let go. If someone tries to take something from you, make them sorry. Hold tight while flailing and screaming. If they manage to pry it out of your hands, channel the Incredible Hulk and explode on them.
5. Make them earn it. Potty training... should NOT be easy for anyone involved. Well, unless chocolate and sweet treats are not your thing. The harder you make it, the longer you will get rewarded for pooing in the potty.
6. MAKE A MESS! That is your mantra. Make the most of every opportunity to wreck the joint. Get creative. Go nuts. Think: Filthy Wild Mess. Make sure it's clear where you have been...store your toys in the hall, in shoes, in the cat's/dog's bed, in the fridge, in the toilet, bathtub, garden...anywhere but where your parents want them.
7. Fart jokes are golden. When you fart, laugh hysterically and then in your loudest voice announce, "HA HA I JUST FARTED." Legend status achieved if four or more people are present.
8. Other people's food is better. Before you touch anything on your plate, demand the food off everyone else's first.
9. No stupid stuff allowed. Shoes, clothes and vegetables are stupid. Avoid them.
10. DO NOT sleep in on the weekends. If the sun rises before you, then you have failed. If you do not see the tears in your parents' eyes when waking them up before dawn, then you have failed.