real life

‘So, when are you going to shut up?’

She’s on it with Orlando and it’s clearly awkward for her.

Wedding Watch is that excruciating zone you enter after dating someone for a year or so. The relationship seems serious. You’re happy.

That’s when friends, family and strangers (or, if you’re famous, the media) will begin asking, “So, when are you getting married?”

Living together? Over 25? Female? You exponentially increase your chances of being placed on Wedding Watch right there. The pressure to get married is immense.

Ticking all three boxes, Miranda has been kept busy lately, denying regular reports of an engagement. “Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged,” insisted her exasperated agent in December. “There is nothing else to be said.” Interestingly, no one seems to ask Orlando’s agent the same question.

I have several friends currently on Wedding Watch and they loathe it. “I’m happy to discuss the subject in detail with my close girlfriends, in private,” insists Friend #1 who has been with her partner for three years and does want to marry him one day. “But when other people ask me when we getting married, I find it unbelievably awkward. Especially in front of Tony – like as if I’m going to say, “Well, actually I think he might pop the question when we go to Noosa. What do you think, babe?’ It puts so much pressure on him to propose and I feel like it will never happen while everyone’s putting a gun to his head, loaded with an engagement ring. Why can’t they all just shut up?”

Friend #2 has been living with her boyfriend for one year, dating for two. She has the same gripe. “Over Christmas, we went to Adelaide to stay with my family,” she harrumphs. “All the relatives kept asking,  “When are you two getting married?”? I felt like barking back “When are you going to lose weight and stop wearing so much fake tan?” But I didn’t because that would be INAPPROPRIATE!”

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Inappropriate? Yes. Also? Pushy, rude and insensitive.

Miranda Kerr is on it with Orlando Bloom and it’s clearly awkward for her.

Those words and pressure to get married aren’t just reserved for Wedding Watch. There are many other types of Watch. You’ve probably been on one yourself. There’s De Facto-Watch (“So, when are you moving in together?”), Baby-Watch (“So, are you pregnant yet?”) and then Next- Baby-Watch (“So, when are you having another one?”). I’ve been asked the Next-Baby question a million times after each child, including once, by a midwife in the delivery room before I’d even had time to put my knickers back on.

Pregnancy-Watch can be particularly cruel and upsetting. Here’s a tip: if you know someone in a long-term relationship or who’s married with no kids? Engage your brain before your mouth. Don’t ask the baby question. Because there’s often heartbreak, frustration, anguish or disappointment behind the answer. I learnt this the hard way a couple of years ago after stupidly asking a colleague the baby question. “Uh…. well, you know, we’re trying…” she began, looking down at her feet before bursting into tears. She’d just had her second miscarriage. I consoled her with one hand while using the other to remove both feet from my mouth and then beat myself over the head with my shoes.

If you’ve been asked inappropriate questions by inappropriate people, console yourself with the fact you’re not Jennifer Anniston. Pick up a magazine and she’s having a baby or a wedding most weekdays. Of the constant speculation, she recently said, ‘It’s almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, ‘I’m pregnant!’.” Her message to the tabloids was succinct: “Stop stealing my thunder, motherf*****s!”

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One of the most tedious things about Wedding Watch is how it always casts the woman as Muriel – desperate to be married. Sometimes this is true but sometimes it’s not. Don’t assume marriage is a life goal for all women. Maybe she’s the one who’s reluctant or – ready for this? – maybe both parties are actually happy with the status quo.

Like Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey. They’ve been dating for a while now and have no desire to marry. Regardless, immediately after their relationship became public, the tabloids put them on Wedding Watch. Instead of denying it every few months, they went on the front foot, recently stating, “….we are living together….and we’re very happy” and insisting that’s enough for them both. As for Baby-Watch? Ditto. They each have one child already and according to Jenny, “This womb is closed”.

So why do people ask inappropriate questions? Is it boredom? Concern? Small talk? Lack of anything interesting going on in their own lives? Are they being competitive? Nosy? Or just plain rude?

All of the above and more. Underlying all these questions though, is the idea of life as a checklist, with a series of Big Things to be ticked off as quickly as possible. What about just stopping to appreciate our current state instead of cultivating this relentless sense of forward momentum?

I’m not sure when the questions and pressure to get married will stop. When you’re old, do people ask, “So, when are you going to pop off?”. I hope not. Because that would be…inappropriate.

Have you witnessed or experienced firsthand this ridiculous pressure to get married after a certain age and point in your relationship? Share below.