It’s finally happened.
A feat of majesty and wonder I never thought I’d get to see in my lifetime.
The Spice Girls are reuniting for a tour (minus Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham , who is too busy running a successful fashion empire/ordering single carrots masquerading as deconstructed juices to partake, and our previously dull lives finally have a hint of flavor again.
There are of course a lot of hot takes about this reunion circulating through the dark tangles of social media right now.
Will this reunion ruin their legacy? Is there infighting happening behind the scenes between Posh and co? Will platform sneakers now make a triumphant return to mainstream fashion?
But none of that really matters right now, because there is a much more important question at hand that must be answered immediately.
Thousands of women across the world have now been thrown into an identity crisis, now wondering if they really grew up to be the Spice Girl they idolised as a child.
How did making such an important decision at such a young age affect the rest of your life?
Here’s what the Spice Girl you wanted to be as a child now means about you as an an adult.
If you wanted to be Baby Spice…
Look, you may have ditched the pigtails for a more understated low-pony but you still know how to trot out the baby-talk voice in order to emotionally manipulate those around you.
If you work in an office it means you’ve never had to retrieve your own printing from the machine or wash up the communal coffee mugs, because you’re just so adorable that not even Brenda from accounts can scold you for your bad behaviour – and she’s a stickler for office rules.
You’re in your 30s and you still call yourself a “Daddy’s Girl” (even though nobody asked…) and your boyfriend finds it a tad weird that all of your sexy times happen under the watchful eyes of the small army of stuffed animals that live on your bed. But he’s learned to not bring it up.
You grew up to be the person your friends love to laugh with, the one who always remembers to call their mum just to check in, and the one who takes charge when it’s time to organise group t-shirts for a Taylor Swift concert.
If you wanted to be Sporty Spice…
Uh, it’s actually “Wellness Spice” now, thank you every much.
It’s also more of an overall lifestyle choice then an exercise regime…
You grew up to be the person who bounds merrily into the office each morning and stands a little too close to your co-workers each morning, your eyes spinning with endorphins, while you explain helpfully that if they just hit the gym each morning like you do then they wouldn’t even need a coffee to wake up!
Also, you sit on a balance ball instead of a chair because you’re not an idiot when it comes to the maintaining your core strength and all your co-workers are very respectful of this and never attempt to knock you over (mainly because they know your bones are stronger than theirs and you’ll just bounce back up again).