By REGINA FEATHERSTONE
Aaaaand douche-canoe of the week goes to a charming 39-year-old bachelor in Austin, Texas.
Larry Busby is looking for a partner, ladies, and he’s created an entire website in the hopes of finding The Right One.
But unfortunately, Larry’s love-quest website has gone viral for not so romantic reasons. Because Larry is a racist, sexist and generally offensive idiot.
The website is called ‘Sleepless in Austin’ (get it?!? Because ROMANCE) and Larry’s description of the kind of girl he’d like, really points to the kind of Prince Charming we’ve got on our hands.
The woman of Larry’s dreams is white (potentially hispanic but definitely NOT black), skinny, and preferably younger than him.
So pretty much Meg Ryan.
But 90’s Meg Ryan, not today’s Meg Ryan – she is way too old for him now.
For those of you cursing the fact you’re already married or in a committed relationship, don’t panic. You can still be a part of the action by helping Larry find a gal. He is offering a ‘finder’s fee’ of $1500.
But if you’re interested in the job of Finder, don’t go sending just any girl his way.
Here are just some of the conditions listed on his site:
“I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.”
Come on you guys, he just wants a normal partner who DEFINITELY IS NOT BLACK OR ASIAN but must be, “thin or athletic build. No one over 130lbs. Ages 21 – 41 White, Hispanic, or of European descent.”
And in just in case you hadn’t realised that he’s a massive racist, he seals the deal with this comment:
“I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl. And, I do not believe that Whites & Blacks should mix races sexually and have kids together. I think it’s ok for Whites & Hispanics. But not Blacks. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER date a woman if I found out she had EVER been sexually active with a Black man.”
To which we say:
Racist AND vain? Where do we sign?!? Put a ring on it already Larry. Pick me! Pick me!
It gets better though you guys. He knows all sorts of things about how lady parts should look. Check it:
“I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often sometimes. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.”
And he has a lot of totally reasonable and not at all contradictory ideas about how a woman should dress:
“I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!”
And to top it all off, here’s the kicker:
“I like to get a lot of attention in a relationship. I also have a very high sex-drive.”
We know what you’re thinking: ‘ARGHH MAMAMIA! GIVE ME THE LINK TO THE SITE ALREADY. I WANT IN ON THIS SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN’S CHARM.’
Here it is ladies: sleeplessinaustin.com
Regina is a 21-year-old law and media student. Her personality is significantly based around Kath & Kim and whether or not a nap is on the agenda. You can find her at ambiguousblogname.wordpress.