The beginning of an abusive relationship looks a lot like any other...

Mamamia,

Whilst the message holds shock value and is effective, there is a light that needs to be shone on the part where someone seeks help from the police. I will share my story from 7 years ago.

I was 26 at the time, well travelled, well educated, responsible adult having bought my own home 6 years prior, had a good job and come from a stable upbringing. I mention these points specifically because abuse does not discriminate.

I landed myself on the other end of an abuser after going on 2 dates with a guy. Whilst organising our 3rd date via text he turned nasty and manipulative. As the abuse crept in I would assert myself and he would back down and apologise.
Then it crept in again, a little heavier than last time, only to turn into quite violent abuse and making wild threats if I didn't go out with him again (one of them included telling my Employer that I stole money from his wallet and that I gave him a STD - all of which was not possible).

He admitted that with every attempt at threatening me with lies, he just wanted to keep talking to me. It became a sick joke for him, and I was his pawn trying to escape, with fear growing inside me with each call and message received.

I realised I wasn't able to reason with him as the abuse became vile and excessive. In what I thought was a very clear message saying "You are being hurtful and I don't wish to see you again. Please do not contact me again" it only set him off to continue the tirade.
Unfortunately this was before the days where you could block a number from calling your mobile.
His threats and abuse came through thick and fast. The tipping point was that he promised to end my life if I didn't agree to see him again.

I was scared to leave my house in fear that he was going to jump me as I got into my car. I had insomnia and paranoia. I was a wreck. I ended up throwing in my job because he knew where I worked.

I had enough of being powerless. So I walked into my local police station advising them of the situation. They turned me away advising "We can't do anything unless you take out a Violence Restraining Order". I asked what that involved, and they disclosed afterwards that "We can only intervene if he's proven to breach the Order".

To make sure the police followed protocol, I checked with my best mate who is related to an ex-Sargeant of that same police station.
Within minutes I received a call advising they shouldn't have turned me away and requested I make my way to the station to make a statement.

The story does not improve. A male officer took my statement, viewed my call history and text messages which clearly showed the threats and abuse. Shockingly I was actually asked "Did you do anything to provoke this guy?"
I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly?!
Upon signing the statement, the officer offered to do an "unconventional favour" by calling my abuser on his mobile and leaving a message on his voicemail to call him back. Gee, thanks Officer.

So I was left with the decision to lodge a VRO. I feared this guy with every fibre of my being, so the thoughts and emotions surrounding a VRO against him made me more fearful in case he retaliated.
I did complete the forms... however couldn't bring myself to lodge them at the courts because I had to retain the little sanity I had left.
It was one of the toughest decisions I've had to make, however fitting at the time as I didn't have the emotional capacity to endure the VRO process (especially with no guarantees for my protection).

Years later I have often questioned if abusers deliberately breakdown their victims to a state of powerlessness so they're emotional/physical/spiritual bank is empty at times like these when we need to fight for ourselves.

We all have our own ways of dealing with trauma. For me, I lived in a state of paranoia and fear for at least 9 months. I couldn't look a man in the eye for 5 years, and to some extent I am still healing myself surrounding this event.

We are encouraged to speak out as empowered women and tell people we trust, yet I approached the only people that could lawfully protect me and I was turned away with a half-baked promise that they could do anything.

Question: How far does it get us when we speak out?

Question: What change needs to happen for us to feel safe and protected?

This sends a shiver down my spine just imagining what the many victims are going through.

It is sad to admit but I was once a “Jeremy”. 10 years ago I began a relationship with my first girlfriend. The relationship lasted 4 years, it was after the first year I began to worry immensely about her, I started questioning her whereabouts and accusing her of cheating when she talked to any guy. At the time I had no idea what I was doing i just assumed everything was normal. Our relationship ended badly she moved away and got a restraining order on me.
It has been 6 years since this relationship has ended and I will be forever sorry for what I unknowingly put that poor girl through.
I am now a firm believer that this type of abuse needs to be taught in schools and shared all over facebook. In my case I lost the love of my life to abuse, if I had known the signs of an emotional abuser I would have sought a counselor and changed.
I have since learned the signs and will never abuse another human being again and I seek to fight against abuse.
I believe I was able to change because in my case the one I was abusing was someone I loved. After she rid me of her life, I sought understanding. After taking a big step back and many years I finally understood the what I had done.