By EM RUSCIANO
The season is upon us ladies and gents. It’s soon time to do something that annually strikes fear into my heart. GO SHOPPING FOR BATHERS. If I believed in emoticons there would be a feckin’ big sad face right about now.
Back when I was smooth, bendy, tight and fit, bathers shopping was a breeze. I’d pick the smallest piece of Lycra I could find and get it in three different colours.
One year I even did A WHITE G-STRING bikini complete with little belt and triangle top. Those days seem like nothing but a hazy coconut scented memory.
NOW? Things need lifting, tucking, smoothing and flattening. Basically I need someone with an industrial engineering degree to put together a miracle suit for me. I know I’m not alone. I have surveyed both my male and female friends and all of them dread bathers shopping. My best friend has to diet, tan, wax and pluck in preparation for the shopping day.
I thought I’d put together a 4 point plan for the retail outlets who sell these hateful items (bathers) to try and make it a bit easier on those of us who have the odd “problem area” (I am making a large circling motion from my neck down to my knees – just so you get the visual.)
1. Sales Assistants – For me, the ultimate bathers sales assistant is a strapping, handsome, matronly woman. Someone with a kind face, strong calves and a motherly touch. Think Mrs Doubtfire meets Madge from Neighbours meets Edna Turnblad. (I AM aware that at least 2 of these women are actually men playing women however they best display the attributes I desire.) What I don’t want is some 17 year old stick insect not taking the lifting and creating of my cleavage as seriously as she should.
2. Lighting Lighting Lighting – So many, so VERY MANY get this wrong. NO-ONE looks good underneath fluorescent lights, same goes for down lights and up lights. As far as I am concerned, change rooms should come with a dimmer switch. No! Even better- let’s just change by candle light and if possible smear some Vaseline on the mirror…..