A suit simply isn’t worth its space in your wardrobe unless it guarantees the nudity of every woman you meet. Am I right, guys?
According to the Danish suit company SuitSupply, the modern well-dressed gentleman is entitled to all the breast-fondling, butt-ogling, and questionable public sex he pleases. He is entitled to unlimited naked female bodies.
For the price of a tailored suit in smart navy, dapper grey, dignified stripe, or classic black, the modern well-dressed gentleman may fondle, fornicate, or thoroughly inspect every naked woman he meets in a stairwell, on his balcony, or in her home.
Why, just look at the totally realistic, not at all offensive life of the modern well-dressed gentleman who chooses to dress himself in SuitSupply garments.
If a man buys a suit, well this is what he can naturally expect to happen:
But wait, there’s more.
When he’s at the beach fully clothed in a crisp three-piece suit, he must be surrounded by bare-breasted beauties. Bikinis simply will not do for the modern well-dressed gentleman. The modern well-dressed gentleman must be vastly outnumbered by naked jumping models who partake in their own objectification for money and the glorious feeling of being complicit in their own exploitation.
If a man buys a suit, well this is obviously what will happen when he goes to the beach:
In all seriousness, this is some whack bullshit right here. These SuitSupply advertisements are so wildly offensive and extravagantly chauvinistic, it almost feels like a prank. It’s all the sordid, casual politics of selling sex in one photo shoot. It’s fancy, well-dressed porn.
It’s a roomful of dudes somewhere in Denmark seeing how much money they can make selling menswear with tits. Tits, kinky sex, bare-bottomed girls bending over, strange impersonal underwear inspection sessions, and arty looking nudity. And they’ll be successful – as ridiculous as this shameless suit porn is, our society an the internet are places where this is totally acceptable. That makes me feel all the emotions: sad, incensed, disappointed, tired, hopeless, disgusted, and weary of the relentless sexualization of everything.
You know what, Danish suit guys? You don’t get away with this just because the pictures are sort of beautifully shot. You don’t get away with it because your suits look actually kind of nice. You get away with it only because the internet – and all of us who browse it – let you. I’m not happy about it, but I don’t know what else to do. Not buy heaps of Danish suits for myself, I guess.