Your completely silly guide to sex positions for busy parents

It’s kind of ironic that the very thing that got us into this whole parenting situation is often the last thing we make time for these days.

Sex. I’m talking about sex here guys.

As busy as we are though, we really should try and fit it in there somewhere for many reasons, including – and it’s easy to forget this in what is the exhaustion of everyday life – it can be bloody fantastic.

But when I hear you ask? When and how are you supposed to fit in sexy times when there are clothes overflowing from baskets and meals to prepare and work to be done? Believe me, I hear you and I understand that the last thing you feel like doing is bumping uglies or partaking in the horizontal hustle after a long day at ‘the office’.

According to though, you can kill two birds with one stone and incorporate the two with the following ‘positions’.

Because let’s face it, nothing spells romance like the move they’re calling the ‘Tranquilised Doggy Style’

The Tranquilised Doggy Style

Have you ever watched Animal Planet? Every once in awhile an animal rescue team needs to sedate a wild rhino using a tranquiliser gun. The end result is a huge animal lying on their front with their business end pointed toward heaven. The wonderful thing about this position is that much like the wild rhino, you can be somewhat asleep while the love of your life gets freak nasty.

Hmmm, whilst this doesn’t sound particularly romantic, we’ve probably all been there. You’re both tired but both want a quick and satisfactory result for all parties involved. Don’t knock the tranquilised animal until you’ve tried it.

The reversed corporate cowboy

This position has all of the benefits of the on-top position with an added bonus. Your turned away body leaves you free to check email using your tablet or lightweight notebook computer. No one is stopping you from jumping on Skype for a live business conference if you think you can swing it. In the words of Ginuwine: Jump On It!

The proselytising Missionary Position

We’ve turned this oldie but goodie on its head! Ladies: there’s always so much we want to share with our partners but so often their eyes glaze over. Why not wait until the car is in your garage? In this traditional man on top position, your mouth is literally inches from his ears. This is your chance to talk about anything. Whisper sweet nothings about how his mom was kind of judging you for your jeggings or the decorative pillows you pinned earlier in the day.
How magical is it that he can be inside of your body and mind for just a few minutes? It’s like sexual inception. This is what power couples are made of.

Lol. Just lol.

So inspired, I worked on a few of my own:

The Spin Cycle

This works particularly well if you have a top loader. Without going into explicit detail, let’s just say that you and your partner will find using the machine not only convenient height wise, it can also work the same as a giant vibrator at the end of its wash cycle. PLUS, added bonus, doing a load of washing suddenly becomes much less of a chore.

The Rocking Horse

This is a genuine position outlined in the karmasutra. I suggest however that instead of your partner being your ‘rocking horse’, you use the actual one sitting unused in the corner of the lounge room. Maybe check if it can handle your weight first. Nothing spells embarrassment like having to turn up to the ER with a child’s toy lodged in an unexpected orifice.

These are all a little tongue in cheek but what should be noted is that sex should be fun and not put on the back burner just because you’re a parent. Couples often put each other last but if you can make the time for each other and incorporate a bit of fun into it at the same time, I reckon go for it. Just remember to lock your door!

Are you laughing? Any brilliant ideas for managing to fit a little ‘adult time’ into our busy lives?