'It's not a failed marriage.' 6 women on the most important thing they learned from separation.

Separation and divorce can be one of the most challenging times of your life.

We've all heard the horror stories. As someone who has lived through two major marital bust-ups, had countless defunct de facto relationships, and recently hosted Mamamia's podcast The Split, I have been through it enough to know there has to be a better way.

If I lovingly entered a relationship could I also lovingly leave? Over the years I've had lots of practise, plus I have had the privilege of women friends and colleagues sharing their enormous insight into how we can make this time smoother and less painful for both sides.

When I posted about this on my Facebook, I received nearly 300 comments from many women who'd been through splits as well. Everything from "Don't look for a fix-er-upper lover. You can't fix them!!" to "Don't ignore the red flags. People show you who they are very early on."

What about when you're actually in the thick of separating?

According to Christina Salvo, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and the founder of the new fast-track separation/divorce settlement service Simple Separation, you can avoid things turning ugly - and expensive.

"I see time and time again, divorce lawyers stoking anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved, the revenue stream will keep flowing," Salvo told Mamamia.

Christina is not only a child of divorce, but has experienced her own divorce. It put an enormous strain on Christina and her family, both emotionally and financially, ruining prospects of a co-parenting relationship. This is what led her to design an alternative child-centred divorce settlement business that helps clients avoid court through using peaceful and collaborative methods.

Simple Separation works with individuals and couples and takes a holistic approach combining mediation and legal services to help finalise a divorce legally and amicably. They deal with property and financial settlements, parenting and custody arrangements and child support.

The process is personalised and guided, while being a quick, convenient and cost-effective alternative to traditional routes. It can be done virtually, Australia wide; and they have upfront, fixed-cost pricing and no ongoing legal fees. It's a disruptor in a space that needs it - like the Uber of divorce settlements.

Now, what other advice do women who've been through separations have to share?

Here's what six women, including myself, had to say.

'Don't think of it as a failure.'

Nicqui, 53, believes some of the views we hold and how we refer to the end of a relationship can have a lot of bearing on how we navigate the separation.

"One thing I hated was when people spoke about me having a 'failed marriage'," she told me.

"I never thought of it as a failure at all - quite the opposite. We actually had a very successful marriage while it lasted and we had a successful business that continued after we split up."

'Keep your sense of humour.'

Julie. Image: Supplied.

My gorgeous friend Julie is 62. She just has the most incredible zest for life and this ability to rise above it all. Her advice when you're going through a split? "Watch good comedy every day."

'Change your hair.'

When you want sage advice, go to the older women in your tribe. They've been there – probably a few times and they have the benefit of watching others too. They've held hands and dried tears over thousands of cups of tea. They have the wisdom!

Nathallie, 78, says, "Change your hair – grow it, cut it, shave it all off, colour it or let it be grey. You are about to be a different person so choose who you want that person to be then be it."

'Commit to separating well.'

Brooke. Image: Supplied.

For Brooke, 42, keeping her separation amicable was her core objective.

She knew that for her life to get on track that she needed to commit to separating 'well'.

"It takes courage to structurally change your life and it takes a few years to balance out.

"Family and love continues with these challenges and friendships are repaired and honoured with this approach."

'Set up a new bank account for your new life.'

Chanelle, 49, is pragmatic.

"Make sure you have your financial independence," she said. "Set up a new bank account in your name and have money saved before you leave."

That's if you're doing the leaving, of course.

'Don't let drink make you fight.'

Me! Image: Supplied.

When I left my ex-husband, I actually stopped drinking completely. Because I was unhappy I had noticed that I was drinking more than usual and that was leading to bickering. In the end, I decided that I needed a clear head to navigate the end of my marriage for my sake, my husband's sake and the sake of our three kids.

Twelve years on, my ex-husband is still one of my best friends. After the initial shock and pain subsided, we managed to co-parent and co-exist in a small town very well. In fact, when we met a younger couple at a festival we were both at and we spent the night dancing and laughing, the younger couple said "Wow, you two are the best couple we've met in ages!" 

My ex and I couldn't stop laughing.

"We are divorced!"

I'll never forget how stunned they looked. "That's why we get on so well!"

That's right, separation can be simple. Relationship breakdown is often accompanied with a huge sense of failure and shame, causing some breakups to become retaliative. When a relationship breakdown becomes about punishment, it quickly becomes emotionally toxic and expensive legal battles become a way of exacting revenge. This is a joyless route for all concerned (except for maybe the lawyers!).

Compromise is better than winning. Living without resentment and anger is a freedom no money can buy.

Separation doesn't have to be overwhelming or confusing. As someone who has done it and moved on at the same time as watching other couples implode for years, I can't recommend the simple route more highly enough.

If you or someone you know is going through a separation or divorce, visit Simple Separation's website or take their online quiz and book a free consultation to see if it's the right solution for you.

What's the most helpful piece of advice you have around separating from a partner?