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Rosie Recaps The Bachelorette Episode 8: WHY HAS NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED ON THIS SHOW?

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Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here.

Okay, seriously, Channel Ten? SERIOUSLY? You are actually opening tonight’s episode with recycled footage from episode ONE?

IT’S ONLY BEEN 4 WEEKS DID YOU THINK WE WOULDN’T REMEMBER THE PENSIVE BEACHSIDE TURTLE-NECK THINKING?

Such familiar.
Very thinking.
So turtleneck.

I get it. Money is tight. You weren’t sure that a woman dating a whole lot of white guys would work in the ratings. You weren’t sure if people would go for a sexually liberated and confident woman dating many men. Sure, you framed the whole thing around her being a ‘heartbroken damsel in distress looking for love’. Career? What career?!? All that matters is that this beautiful woman finds a man! He can have the career! You even put in three guys called Dave just to make sure it was Aussie enough and you weren’t taking any chances with anything (or any colour) that would make people nervous on a mainstream network. You guys did everything you could to make the Australian public okay with the concept of a woman dating many men. You even cut the series time down to ten weeks so that there would only be 14 guys, and not 25 girls like the boys get. Because 25 guys and 1 girl would just be slut-central, amiright?

I get it. She needed to be able to date a lot of guys without seeming slutty, which meant her entire life needed to be about finding love. (I’d personally pick an Oscar – hell, even a Logie – over a man any day, but that’s why I’ll never be The Bachelorette.)

You guys did your job in that regard. Frosty has been perfect. Beautiful. Likeable. Relatable. Snort-laughing on cue. I love her. And I love the concept of a woman leading this show.

Look at her burning a toastie! So relatable!

But now, the series is almost over and literally nothing has happened. NOTHING. There was one helicopter and one Super Yacht. The rest has just been a bunch of Magic Sex Couches plonked in different, cheap locations. THIS SHOW IS MEANT TO BE ABOUT ELABORATE, RIDICULOUS, TACKY OPULENCE! AND DRAMA! I wanted table-flipping on catamarans, and all I got was Dave The Plumber looking slightly perturbed for a couple of episodes.

WHY HAVE YOU NOT INVESTED IN THIS MASTERPIECE? WHY? People wanted to love this show! And then last night it was beaten in the ratings by a repeat of fucking Highway Patrol! You did everything you were meant to do with The Bachelorette, except make it interesting. I suspect it’s been a budget issue, since here we are, in the third-last episode of the season, looking at re-fucking-gurgitated turtleneck footage from Episode 1. I know you must have been nervous about whether a female-lead version of this show would work, but when you can’t even spare the cash to get a few more shots of Bachie Queen on the beach with a different top on, things are looking pretty dire. We need Channel Ten Feminist Overlord Sandra Sully on this STAT. I feel she would be devastated and infuriated to know that adequate money is not being spent on a sister finding the ultimate peen.

Gah. I need a drink.

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Bachie Queen talks about her feelings, then we cut straight to Home-Town Dates, because there clearly isn’t money or time to fuck around with.

Professional-Soccer-Player-Excpet-Not-Really’s Home Date.

Brisbane. We open with PSPENR doing some soccer moves, to prove that he is a Professional Soccer Player and not a Real Estate Agent.

Except not really.

He and Bachie Queen play some soccer in a crappy park that looks like one I would have gotten stoned in as a kid if I had been a cool kid. (I wasn’t, I stayed inside and watched TV and didn’t figure out how to use tampons until I was 17.) Then they go on a boat that isn’t big enough for a Magic Sex Couch so they just get a beanbag:

Um, at least there’s cheese?

They talk about feelings. It is not interesting. My cat has discovered his peen though, and that is keeping me quite entertained.

Bachie Queen meets PSPENR’s family!

Gripping television.

Okay, so, nobody says anything about the ‘Professional Soccer Player’ thing not actually being a thing. I was hoping some kind of epic bombshell would drop, but besides PSPENR’s dad being a little weirdly fixated on how pretty Bachie Queen is, not much really happens. The parents are lovely and welcoming. They all get along. What gripping television. (FYI: My cat is getting quite aggressive with the peen situation. Feel like I should give him some privacy.)

English Alex’s Home-Town Date!

Well, we obviously can’t afford to go to England, so we settle for Avoca Beach. Close enough. Alex even wears a pointless scarf with his t-shirt to remind us of the colder climates of home:

I definitely need a scarf with this t-shirt.

They go surfing and then, obviously, sit on Magic Sex Couch plonked in a random place.

Alex then reveals – SHOCK! DRAMA! – that while the budget couldn’t afford to fly his parents over from England, it could afford to fly his sister over from New Zealand. Much dramatic music follows, as Bachie Queen was convinced the no-money situation meant she wouldn’t have to meet any snooty British relatives. Although, Alex keeps saying that he was the one who flew his sister over, and, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if they did expect him to foot the bill to be honest.

The British sister grills Bachie Queen, and the whole situation looks so uncomfortable and there is now no doubt in my mind that Alex is going home tonight, which means any sense of suspense in this episode has officially left the building.

I probably shouldn’t tell you that my brother had to pay for my plane ticket.
And I probably shouldn’t tell you that I’m scared you’re going to rip off my face and put it in a Mary Poppins bag.

And if there’s any doubt that Alex definitely isn’t the one, this is his sister’s face when she says that she thinks he and Bachie Queen would go well together:

Oh, um, yeah… They definitely go well together…

Bye Alex, it’s been real. Dull, and real. (My cat is making very suspect growling noises now. Not sure if they’re pleasure or pain based. Certainly more entertaining than this episode though.)

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Richie’s Home-Town Date!

Perth. He obviously takes Bachie Queen to King’s Park, because there is literally nothing to do in Perth except go the The Mint, or King’s Park. They look at the city skyline and – MAYDAY MAYDAY. They start playing the goofy music while Richie is talking. THE GOOFY MUSIC IS A SURE-FIRE SIGN OF DEATH:

I’m trying to say words but all that’s coming out is goofy music. Oh god, I’m doomed, aren’t I?

I predict that Alex will go tonight, because Bachie Queen is terrified that his sister wants to rip off her face and put it in a Mary Poppins bag. Then Richie will go, for no other reason than the goofy music has decreed it so. Also, Bachie Queen says she ‘just thinks the world of him’ which pretty much clinches his ‘friendzone’ status.

Ugh. Now this date will be boring because it’s clear he has no chance. Can Clit-Tingler Sasha just take this thing out so I can crack open the wine and see if my cat’s okay?

Bachie Queen meets Richie’s family:

Oh my gosh, you guys, there’s some DRAMA here and this is what it is: Some of Richie’s FRIENDS ARE THERE ALSO. MANUFACTURED DRAMMMMAAA.

The mum asks Bachie Queen questions. The sister asks Bachie Queen questions. The friends ask Bachie Queen questions. That’s it, really. Bachie Queen talks about having to move to Perth if she picks Richie, which is an interesting and slightly disheartening change from the girls on The Bachelor, who always assume that they’ll have to move to the man’s home town, and not the other way around. Ah well. You can be ‘ruling the game’, but if you’re a lady desperate for a man, you’re always going to be doing the chasing.

Sasha’s Home-Town Date!

Bowral. I can’t be sure, but that looks a hell of a lot like the orchard Bachie Wood and Parmigiana went through a romantic stroll in last season. Must have been a two-for-one deal.

Looks familiar… #BudgetBachie

They sit on a Magic Sex Couch. Some random singer sings a song. They dance. He’s the only one to admit he’s falling in love with her. The Clit-Tingler has clearly won. Let’s just meet his parents already.

Bachie Queen meets Sasha’s family:

Bachie Queen is nervous because she’s hoping that Sasha will touch her special button and make her clit tingle for eternity. Channel Ten tries to convince us there’s lots of drama by playing lots of SERIOUS MUSIC, with lots of shots of Sasha’s family looking like this:

Does this look like DRAMAAA?
How about this?!?

But, obviously, everything is fine and there is no drama, and if you’d like an update, my cat is now sleeping peacefully and I don’t want to think about why.

They have dinner. Have a perfectly lovely conversation. That’s it. They say goodbye and Bachie Queen is clearly head over heels with Sasha’s peen.

NOT-REALLY-COCKTAIL-PARTY TIME.

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No cocktail party tonight, just lots of shots of everyone looking very anxious set to very SERIOUS MUSIC because this is VERY SERIOUS AND EXCITING, PEOPLE. DON’T YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING CHANNEL TEN WANTS YOU TO THINK THIS IS?

Rose Ceremony Time!

Oshie FINALLY makes an appearance (it’s frankly criminal that he hasn’t been on screen yet), and he uses his time to remind all of us how serious Channel Ten wants us to think this is. VERY, VERY SERIOUS, okay?

I AM SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THAT THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

Obviously, British Alex is booted.

Bachie Queen takes him to the Lawn of Humiliation for his break-up speech:

Thank you for dragging this out longer by forcing me to stand on the Lawn of Humiliation.

He handles it in a lovely, classy way. So in other words, the drama Ten promised with all that SERIOUS music did not materialise. This was boring as shit.

But hold on a second… Is that… Did I just see a helicopter? OMG NEXT WEEK THERE IS A BUDGET BLOW-OUT. Seaplanes! Snow! Skydiving! Helicopters! Overlord Sully has come through, with one final, epic wing-woman move to make sure Bachie Queen gets some peen. Next week’s episodes had better damn make this whole series worth it.

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s OUT NOW. You can purchase it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1

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