Okay, so it’s no secret that I would rather use my clit for dart practice than watch this show without Super Villain Keira de Vil, but this is the sad reality we now find ourselves in.
Neither do I babe.
But let’s make the best of it and hope that Channel Ten has some kind of entertainment plan. Maybe the focus will switch to slightly obsessed Single Mum Alex, who everybody knows is secretly collecting Dickie Bach’s stray ginger pubes and keeping them in a little pile under her pillow.
Find all of Rosie's Bachelor recaps here.
We open on the Girl Prisoners at night, casually sitting around just being casual in their casual clothes, except they’re all in full rose ceremony hair and make up, so you know that they just had a rose ceremony and the producers are trying to save money by forcing them to film another scene before they go to bed.
"I definitely wasn't in my cocktail dress 15 minutes ago..."
After seeing the very schmicko set of Aussie Survivor this week, I think we can assume that Queen Sandra Sully decided to allocate all the major funds to a show in which women don’t compete for men, but against them. You know, as like, equals. WHAT A CRAZY CONCEPT.
The Girl Prisoners are pretending to have a conversation while they wait for Osher’s Hair to show up. Of course the only thing they have to talk about is Keira, and how Keira “started all the drama/caused all the drama/was the reason for all the drama/now that she’s gone there’ll be way less drama” etc etc etc. Um… Yes. Exactly. Do you think we watch this show to see people fall in love? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE THERE TO ENTERTAIN US WITH CRAY CRAY?
The Single Date Card goes to… AN INTRUDER GASP! DRAMA! Oh except not really because Keira isn't here.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Dickie Bach has chosen The Sexy Model Girl Intruder because of course he has. They sit on a Magic Sex Couch on a boat. They go jet-skiing. Dickie Bach manages to remain shirtless throughout.
YOU ARE VERY ENTERTAINED.
They go to another location to do some more sitting. He gives her a rose. End date.
Wow. I just described that entire date in less than ten sentences. Shit is getting DIRE.
GROUP DATE TIME!
The group date is at the Girl Prison, because Survivor needed extra cash and the Dickie Bach producers are being punished for letting Keira move on to a career of being photographed by paparazzi for the Daily Mail.
The date involves all the Girl Prisoners, even the brunette ones, and is apparently about testing who has the ‘ultimate compatibility score’ with Dickie Bach. They got in a compatibility ‘expert’ and everything. (I’m pretty sure to be a compatibility ‘expert', you just have to be really good at playing that percentage game with the letters in your’s and your crush’s names.)
"You’ll have 3 kids, drive a Ferrari and - UH OH - you’ll live in a mud hut hahahahahahaha!" When Year 7 becomes a job.
The Girl Prisoners will be put through a series of quirky cost effective tests, and whoever has the highest score as determined by the ‘expert’ gets some alone time with Dickie Bach peen. (Just quietly, isn’t this whole show about testing who has the best compatibility with Dickie Bach? Is this group date not a little, you know, obsolete?)