Rosie recaps The Bachelor Episode 11: In which Rosie decides to get drunk.

Alright, look. I’m kind of over this cray cray/ridiculously offensive show to women – I can’t even tell you. So I decided to have a few drinks – just to get through tonight’s episode. I’ve never written about Bachie drunk before, and they say being drunk is a truth serum, so let’s see how this goes!!

Channel Ten has virtually given up. We know this. They’re spending zero money on this show and everything they have left on Australian Survivor, which, given that’s a show about men and women competing equally and has nothing to do with basing a person’s value on their ability to attract the opposite sex, I can completely understand.

Find Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.

Boss of Channel Ten, Queen Sandra Sully, knew the funds had to be shared this year and… Well, I’m psyched that she decided not to give the bulk to a show that forces women into ridiculous outfits so they can compete in embarrassing physical challenges for a man who is dating all of them and will whittle them down to the one he considers most amenable to his plans to launch a fitness and/or clothing business. Hooray women!!

There’s only a few Girl Prisoners left. One of them is brunette. One of them is -GASP!- an intruder. (Obviously the Hot Blonde Model Intruder because obviously.) This evening there will be - get this- a single date with Dickie Bach, and a group date with Dickie Bach! How fresh! How new! And I have no doubt that the Group Date will involve another fucking humiliating physical challenge because a) Channel Ten has no money left and putting the girls in tiny shorts while they race/wrestle is cheap and b) Dickie Bach seems to be unable to hold any kind of prolonged conversation with any other human being, so getting physical keeps the show mildly entertaining.

SINGLE DATE TIME!

It’s been obvious for a few weeks now that Nikki is the winner, so tonight’s single date with Dickie Bach will not be of entertainment value at all, except to highlight further how they are perfect for each other and she is the winner. When the date opens with lots of shots of growing leaves on trees, we know that the next 15 minutes of television are going to be gripping.

So, Dickie Bach picks up Nikki in an antique car, because this date is going to be shit and I guess the producers figured a slightly different vehicle would be better than a regular vehicle? Is that the logic behind this?

Look! It’s a funny car and not a regular car! Isn’t this show just so entertaining!!!!

They drive to some old pub, which Dickie Bach informs us while laughing was built by convicts, which they both seem to find super hilarious, even though, you know, most convicts were brought to Australia against their will and forced into hard labour often for very minor offences that did not justify taking them away from their homes and families so they could populate a country that already had an entire native population. But you know, it looks like olden times, so HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Blah blah blah you’re perfect for me even though I’ve only known you a few weeks and we’ve only spent a few moments alone together, all moments that were captured a by a camera crew of 30 etc etc etc. IT’S TRUE LOVE YOU GUYS. Oh god. Time for another drink. Doing this drunk is fun!

Can Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex please just sneak into the shot with an electric razor and shave off one of Nikki’s eyebrows before anybody knows what’s going on? THAT would be fucking great television. Then we’d cut to Alex with the eyebrow hairs, using them in some kind of voodoo ritual that involves chanting Nikki’s name while throwing the hair onto a fire, that she lit by taking a match to a photo of Nikki’s vag.

HELP US SLIGHTLY OBSESSED ALEX! YOU'RE OUR ONLY ENTERTAINMENT HOPE!

Alas, that doesn’t happen. We just get more of Nikki and Dickie Bach hanging out at a budget date location on a budget Magic Sex Couch talking about how much they like each other, and how much they’d like to make this show as boring as possible.

Then some band comes out to play, and normally, as y’all know, I make jokes about the musical ‘guests’ who appear on this show being at a place in their lives where they literally have nothing else and have only taken the Bach gig for the money but… This band is kind of awesome. They come out, admit that they’re ‘available for weddings’, which I get is them making a joke about Dickie Bach getting married, but really I think it’s just them saying, “we’re on fucking national television, let’s make sure we say our band name and make it clear that we’re available for fucking weddings. Ka-ching!” Nobody goes on The Bachelor for the honour of being on The Bachelor, and I love that they weren’t embarrassed to use their moment to make a blatant grab for new listeners. And for that I will tell you: They’re called The Morrisons, and they’re available for weddings. Click here for their website.

The band that I now love because they admitted they’re doing this for the exposure.

Dickie Bach and Nikki being not even close to entertaining.

A random chicken on the date that made me laugh for three minutes straight because I’m a little drunk.

They kiss. Nikki gets a rose. Then she admits that she’s ‘in love’. Because who wouldn’t be after two dates that are bring filmed for national television. Obviously.

GROUP DATE TIME!

Oh. I’m so surprised. They’re doing an obstacle course in the mud. After they they did inflatable ball racing, inflatable kangaroo sumo-suit boxing, a robot baby motherhood challenge, a lady-skills cooking challenge, a photoshoot to test how photogenic they are, a compatibility test to see how perfect they are, and an all-you-can-eat lamb guts race to see how committed they are... WHY WOULD I NOW BE SURPRISED THAT THEY’RE NOW RACING THROUGH MUD WHILE WEARING HOTPANTS?

Sigh. Here we go.

Oshie’s Hair drops the secret, desperate-to-be--as-entertaining-as-Survivor bombshell for today: this isn’t ‘every woman for herself’, the ladies have to ‘work together, as a team…’ Except, you know, once the lame team shit is out of the way, ONLY ONE OF THEM WINS THE ULTIMATE PEEN, AND THEREFORE THE ULTIMATE MEASURE OF WORTH AS A FEMALE HUMAN SO FUCK THE TEAM AND JUST GO ROGUE BITCHEZ.

This is totally about fair sportsmanship! Because it’s defs not fucked up to talk about ‘sportsmanship' when referring to a possible romantic relationship!!!

Even though this is about ‘team work’, Oshie then reveals that ‘lol, there’s actually a winner though, and whoever wins gets to hang alone with Dickie Bach! Now Ima gonna have a ginger tea and a lie down because I hate myself!”

NEK MINIT:

At the end of the whole thing, they hose each other down and Dickie Bach says, “That was awesome. Like, wow.” Then he chooses Olena as the winner, and it's almost certainly because she poured water all over herself while standing directly in front of him. WELL PLAYED, GIRL.

Dickie Bach takes her to sit on a Magic Sex Couch. He says he’s still intrigued by her because ‘she doesn’t say much.’ She doesn’t say much. He says they’re ‘from leaps and bounds’. Yes - ‘from' leaps and bounds. He gives her a rose. They kiss. I take another drink.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Well, obviously a brunette will go. It won’t be Rachel because she’s the only one who says anything remotely bitchy/entertaining anymore. It will obvs be Kiki, because he’s never going to pick her because she’s slightly brunette and says bitchy shit and she's not a country girl from WA.

The blonde girl whose name I can never remember so I call her ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ is worried that she’s going. Dickie Bach chooses to talk to the Hot Model Intruder Girl and not her. She’s freaking. But, let’s be real, not blonde/innocent enough/slightly too ethnically ambiguous for Channel Ten Kiki is going, amiright?

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!

Kiki goes. FUCKING OBVIOUSLY, because suspense is no longer a part of this show. Which means, as she said herself, Rachel is now the ONLY BRUNETTE LEFT. Her days in the Girl Prison are numbered.

Rachel and ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ embrace with relief, because they feel so lucky to still be sharing a boyfriend who can't decide if he wants them or not:

So, so lucky.

Here’s hoping Kiki says some gloriously bitchy things in the media the next few days, and that she makes a little money being ‘unexpectedly photographed’ by the paparazzi for the Daily Mail.

WE ARE SO CLOSE TO THE END OF THIS.

See you tomorrow night globs.

Find Rosie's previous Bachelor recaps here.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.

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