Rosie recaps The Bachelor Episode 1: Dickie Bach is the Aussiest Bachie Bloke of them all.

If you’ve already read Rosie’s first Bachelor recap, click here for her second. (Don’t forget to check back tonight for her third.)

WE’RE BACK BITCHES. And since it’s my last year recapping the spectacular feminist revolution that is The Bachelor, let’s go out with a bang, shall we?

Oh. My. Glob. I feel like this opening shot is a glorious gift from Channel Ten just to make my lady parts tingle: We open on Oshie’s Glorious Hair and I’M ALREADY DYING. He says some words about love but his eyes are saying what he really wants us to know:

Oshie, who's clearly been attached to the hairspray machine in his dungeon for at least 24 hours, introduces us to the "spectacular Tuscan Villa", which we all know is just code for 'Lady Prison with lots of candles'.

And wowzers - Channel Ten really, really want us to know that Queen Sully has released the funds this year. We are getting lots of shots of candles on everything. Candles in a fancy pool. Candles on a fancy table. Candles on some fancy stairs.

Slow down on the candle budget please, remember how last year you guys ran out of money three weeks in and Bachie Wood had to give Parmigiana that hideous ring in the driveway, instead of like, the most exotic place Australians can travel to: Bali?

Alright, it's time. Time to be re-introduced to this year's Bachie: Loveable Richie. Or, because Dickie is hilarious to say... DICKIE BACH.

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He’s just a simple Aussie bloke, you guys. True Blue. Sweet. Likeable. Giggles after every sentence. Very, very white (so, safe on the channel that airs Neighbours). Says things like ‘crikey’ and ‘sweating bullets’. The absolute perfect Muscles With A Head to continue on with the Bachie tradition of staring out over bodies of water while thinking pensively about love and crap:

Welcome, Dickie Bach:

He’s apparently been locked in the dungeon next to Oshie for the last six months, getting intensive ‘media training’, which basically means someone taught him how to read all his lines off cue cards without looking straight into the camera and bursting into tears.

ARRGGHHH and already he is a casting director's dream: His family is made up of just him and his sister and his mum and his dad isn’t around and that’s really sad but also kind of just makes him so much more loveable and Channel Ten cannot even deal with how lucky they are to have found such a white, true-blue Aussie bloke who also has some sadness inside. He is the Perfect Peen Prize.

MUSCLES + SENSITIVE MUMMY HUGGER + TRUE BLUE AUSSIE BLOKE = CHANNEL TEN EXECUTIVES CREAMING THEIR JEANS.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!

Dickie Bach talks to his wingman, Oshie’s Hair, about wanting to find love and tries not to sound like he's reading it off a massive piece of cardboard some intern is holding just out of shot.

Okay. The first girl we meet is Megan. She’s a 'health promotions officer', which means she takes photos of green smoothies in jars and posts them on Instagram along with that annoying praying hands emoticon that makes you want to slap a person. She enjoys walking along beaches in her bikini, because who doesn't.

Thinks she is a mermaid. Really, really, really wants you to know she likes ‘freediving’. Usually, the producers put the only girl with a real job first, so that we don’t forget that more than just ‘event planners’ and ‘social media influencers’ apply to go on this show. So a girl who thinks she’s a mermaid and constantly mentions freediving is a freediving promising free diving start. Dickie Bach seems freediving smitten with this True freediving Blue Aussie mermaid. Free diving. You guys, I THINK SHE LIKES FREEDIVING.

Another girl walking on the beach. AND OMG SHE HAS A TATTOO OF BACON AND I’VE ALREADY DECIDED SHE NEEDS HER OWN SPINOFF AND IT WILL JUST BE HER HAVING TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HOT GUYS AND BACON AND SHE WILL ALWAYS CHOOSE THE BACON. #BaconGirl4eva

Stop. The. Fucking. Front. Door. We have our first producer’s dream-victim of the evening, who has somehow been convinced to allow herself to be filmed ordering an ice-cream in a fairy dress:

HEAVEN.

She’s a 'children’s entertainer’ (went to drama school, now makes $20 bucks a pop doing kids parties) and is passionate about “herself. And unicorns.”

SHE IS PASSIONATE ABOUT HERSELF AND UNICORNS. SRSLY CHANNEL TEN CASTING DEPARTMENT - You have fucking OUTDONE YOURSELVES this year! We’re only three girls in and you’ve managed to make one of them look like she’s one of the patients from the cast of Cosi. She is totes going to be the girl who hides a collection of Dickie Bach’s pubes under her pillow. And then maybe burns down the Lady Prison and ends up on Crime Stoppers.

Crazy Unicorn Girl leaves a shoe. Dickie Bach informs us that she left a shoe. That media training is really paying off.

AHHHH YES FINALLY! The producers have convinced someone to do something embarrassing when she gets out of the limo. AND IT’S A SONG OH HOLY OPRAH I LOVE IT WHEN THEY SING TERRIBLE SONGS THEY’VE WRITTEN THEMSELVES. Dickie Bach actually looks terrified. No amount of media training can prepare for this inescapable social nightmare:

Then he says that Singing Girl seems like ‘lots of fun’, which is basically the nice way of saying ‘I will never in a million years date that person’.

YAY ANOTHER EMBARRASSING GIMMICK! Some Lady Prisoner reads him a poem. He actually seems to like it, although I’m convinced that’s because this is the first time Dickie Bach has ever heard of something called a ‘poem’.

Srsly you guys, I know the producers are probs all like, “Do something that’ll make him remember you! Humiliating yourself while competing for a man definitely won’t bring shame on your family at all!” I know there are producers there talking them into this shit, but how do these girls fall for this EVERY FREAKING TIME?!? WE ARE IN SEASON FOUR, PEOPLE. Everybody knows that the girls who do dumb shit when they get out of the limo never end up wifey material.

Cut to a bunch of unimportant girls getting out of limos, while Dickie Bach reads some generic statement off the cue cards about how they’re all amazing women, when we all know that if they really were all amazing women, they wouldn’t have been shoved into this nameless montage of unimportant women getting out of limos.

Boring boring more random girls boring love boring.

YES BACON GIRL GIVES HIM A BOUQUET OF BACON ROSES AND HOW HAS SHE NOT JUST WON THIS WHOLE DAMN THING ALREADY?

Ugh boring - looks like we have our 'Totally Laid Back Cool Girl' for the year. You know - the one who acts like she's 'just one of the guys' and loves to chug beer and not bother men with annoying lady things. It's some girl from the country who keeps swearing and will probs end the evening bathing in a wooden barrel filled with VB.

HOLD UP - it looks like we have our sexy villain, you guys! Her name is Keira, and the first thing the editors show us is her humbly listing all her amazing qualities. Which I FRICKIN' LOVE. She says she’s the whole package (“I’m definitely a good catch”) - and why the fuck not? Sometimes I start crying when I see my fat upper pussy area in the shower - what I wouldn’t GIVE for that crazy high level of self-confidence.

"So I'm incredible. And?"

Yep, nothing says 'villain' like a lady who isn't humble enough. Ten is defs keying this Keira chick up to be the baddie. *waits for delicious manufactured drama to unfold*

Annnnnnd of course the delicious manufactured drama immediately unfolds:

Keira instantly begins bitching about everyone and IT. IS. GLORIOUS. She can’t even deal with the girl who wrote the song for Dickie Bach, because SHE’S DAMN WELL SINGING IT AGAIN. And she’s the only who doesn’t cheer and is just like, "Please stop now. You fucking suck."

She’s also clearly the only one saying anything interesting because they keep cutting to her talking for commentary and pretty much nobody else’s.

Okay watching this girl bitch about people while nobody else says anything good is getting bori - HUZZAH, it’s Oshie’s Hair!

He’s here to inform us that just like every single other year, this year there is a - GASP - shocking white rose-related twist! Whoever makes the best first impression or some bullshit gets the rose. I don’t care. What I DO care about is the prize: The prize for getting the white rose this year is access to a SECRET SEX ROOM hidden somewhere in the Girl Prison! Omg I just want to sit in that room with Bacon Girl eating bacon for eternity.

"SECRET SEX ROOM WHITE ROSE PLOT TWIST!"

Everyone is v. excited about maybe getting the chance to go to the Secret Sex Room with Dickie Bach. The Magic Sex Couch in that room must be ON POINT. None of that Fantastic Furniture crap. We’re talking Ikea level budget. And it’ll definitely be decorated with all the nek level homewares that Kmart sells now.

Alright. Sex Room White Rose is on the table. Dickie Bach enters the cocktail party. Reads some wooden lines about love off some cue cards. SOME EPIC TABLE FLIPPING BETTER START SOON.

Bacon Girl swoops in and takes Dickie Bach away for a chat, and once she does that, all bets are off. The competition for the Sex Room White Rose is fierce. Those who aren’t getting alone time with the Ultimate Peen Prize spend their time talking about Michelle Obama’s now iconic Democratic National Convention speech and what an important moment it was for women and people of colour.

LOL JKS. They talk about how they’ll each navigate being one of 23 women being forced to compete for a single True-Blue Aussie Peen.

The Poem Girl tells Dickie Bach she has a 5-year-old son. His mouth says supportive words, but his eyes scream “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.”

"I have a 5-year-old son."

"And I have a thing that I need to do far away from here."

MORE COCKTAIL PARTY DRAMAAAAH:

Everyone interrupting everyone. The Sparkly Hunger Games is truly in full-swing. The words ‘no class’ are thrown around by a girl who needs to be bleeped while she says it. Lots of girls only just realising that this is a reality dating show in which you must compete with 22 other women for one Perfect Peen Prize. Lots of “Why is she talking to him? Why does it seem like he likes her? She’s not me. Why am I not his only girlfriend? What is happening?”

Singing Girl starts singing again and just keeps generally acting quirky because she is just so quirky and being quirky is just her thang, you guys.

Some blonde girl called Tiffany gets an early rose because she has abs.

This year’s Totally Laid Back Cool Girl says, “My fuckin’ tits are up to my fuckin’ neck,” which is hands down the best line of the night.

Keira bitches some more and it’s glorious.

Megan ‘Did I mention I really like freediving?” mentions that she really likes free-diving, and when she takes off her shoes so Dickie Bach knows that she’s a True Blue Aussie tom-boy and he gives her a rose.

Lots of girls talk about wanting a rose. Will they get a rose? How will they talk to Dickie Bach to get a rose? How many roses are left? Why don’t I have a rose yet? Ugh boring. Can Dickie Bach just give out the Sex Room White Rose and wrap this thing up so we can see Oshie's glorious hair again?

Annnnnnd the Sex Room White Rose goes to….

The Poem Girl with the kid! I am actually shocked by this decision. Although, given Dickie Bach is about to spend 3 months forcing women to compete for his peen while he makes out with each of them, this is probably one of the last strategic chances he has to look like a nice guy. So it’s the smart move. Of course, I could just be a horrible cynic, jaded by years of Bachelor satire. But then Keira calls it:

And then, because she's hilariously glorious, she stops giving any fucks, sinks down in her chair and just starts chanting ‘BED’ repeatedly:

I… I think I’m in love with this woman.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Oh how I have longed for this moment… Oshie’s Hair comes in to explain to the girls that they on a reality dating show that is on television and they are competing for one Ultimate Perfect Peen Prize called Dickie Bach. Then he crunches the number like only someone with his years of experience can:

If little Jimmy has three apples at the circus, and the NISSAN CAR that Rosie had to give back is travelling at 80km per hour on a road that leads to the Lady Prison, how many cans of hairspray does Queen Sandra Sully attach to the hairspray machine in my dungeon before I go to sleep?

THREE. THREE GIRLS ARE GOING HOME.

A few girls that I’ve never seen before get through. Some other randoms get through. Then… GASP! PLOT TWIST!

The Aussie Bogan Totally Laid Back Cool Girl who talks about her ‘fuckin’ tits’ all the time BAILS OUT. There is too much genuine bogan in her, and she hates all this ‘competing for a man in the Sparkly Hunger Games' bullshit.

 TAKE A FUCKIN' BOW, YA FUCKIN’ LEGEND.

None of the other girls can understand why she would give up the incredible, once in a lifetime opportunity to compete for a man on national television. 

YES PRAISE BE TO OPRAH AND QUEEN SANDRA SULLY - KEIRA GETS THROUGH! I hope a producer forces Dickie Bach to keep her for at least a few episodes. Maybe if they put her name on a cue card he'll read it accidentally.

THE SPARKLY HUNGER GAMES OF DEATH HAVE BEGUN.

#DoingItForTony

Rosie Waterland is a writer and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. Or, buy her critically acclaimed, nationally bestselling book (no biggie), The Anti Cool Girl, right here.

 

 

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