If you’ve already read Rosie’s first Bachelor recap, click here for her second. (Don’t forget to check back tonight for her third.)
WE’RE BACK BITCHES. And since it’s my last year recapping the spectacular feminist revolution that is The Bachelor, let’s go out with a bang, shall we?
Oh. My. Glob. I feel like this opening shot is a glorious gift from Channel Ten just to make my lady parts tingle: We open on Oshie’s Glorious Hair and I’M ALREADY DYING. He says some words about love but his eyes are saying what he really wants us to know:
Oshie, who's clearly been attached to the hairspray machine in his dungeon for at least 24 hours, introduces us to the "spectacular Tuscan Villa", which we all know is just code for 'Lady Prison with lots of candles'.
And wowzers - Channel Ten really, really want us to know that Queen Sully has released the funds this year. We are getting lots of shots of candles on everything. Candles in a fancy pool. Candles on a fancy table. Candles on some fancy stairs.
Slow down on the candle budget please, remember how last year you guys ran out of money three weeks in and Bachie Wood had to give Parmigiana that hideous ring in the driveway, instead of like, the most exotic place Australians can travel to: Bali?
Alright, it's time. Time to be re-introduced to this year's Bachie: Loveable Richie. Or, because Dickie is hilarious to say... DICKIE BACH.
He’s just a simple Aussie bloke, you guys. True Blue. Sweet. Likeable. Giggles after every sentence. Very, very white (so, safe on the channel that airs Neighbours). Says things like ‘crikey’ and ‘sweating bullets’. The absolute perfect Muscles With A Head to continue on with the Bachie tradition of staring out over bodies of water while thinking pensively about love and crap:
Welcome, Dickie Bach:
He’s apparently been locked in the dungeon next to Oshie for the last six months, getting intensive ‘media training’, which basically means someone taught him how to read all his lines off cue cards without looking straight into the camera and bursting into tears.
ARRGGHHH and already he is a casting director's dream: His family is made up of just him and his sister and his mum and his dad isn’t around and that’s really sad but also kind of just makes him so much more loveable and Channel Ten cannot even deal with how lucky they are to have found such a white, true-blue Aussie bloke who also has some sadness inside. He is the Perfect Peen Prize.
MUSCLES + SENSITIVE MUMMY HUGGER + TRUE BLUE AUSSIE BLOKE = CHANNEL TEN EXECUTIVES CREAMING THEIR JEANS.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!
Dickie Bach talks to his wingman, Oshie’s Hair, about wanting to find love and tries not to sound like he's reading it off a massive piece of cardboard some intern is holding just out of shot.
Okay. The first girl we meet is Megan. She’s a 'health promotions officer', which means she takes photos of green smoothies in jars and posts them on Instagram along with that annoying praying hands emoticon that makes you want to slap a person. She enjoys walking along beaches in her bikini, because who doesn't.