And we’re back to opening on the girls in the Girl Prison this week, which perplexes me. Why has there been such a lack of ‘Bachie Wood walking and thinking on the beach’ shots this season? How are we supposed to know that he’s taking this journey seriously unless he takes his shirt off, flexes his biceps and squints into the sunset? Is he not taking this journey seriously? Should we be concerned? Should someone get the Queen of Channel Ten, Sandra Sully on the phone? BACHIE WOOD’S MUSCLES GIVE US A DIRECT LINE TO HIS BRAIN. WE NEED TO SEE THEM TO PROVE IT IS WORKING.
Oshie’s Hair arrives and delivers the single date card, which goes to Emily. She continues to gloriously sip her tea like she couldn’t give a fuck, which confuses all the other girls.
Why isn’t she jumping up and down and screaming like a banshee? Doesn’t she realise she just won a whole day of Bachie peen? Bachie peen, Emily!
SINGLE DATE TIME
Bachie Wood goes into the date admitting that he knows nothing about Emily, but has kept her locked in the Girl Prison for almost two months because she’s a hot piece of ass. He wants her to ‘open up’ to see if there’s more to her than the hot factor, so he makes her ‘do’ things, which she clearly doesn’t like. They go on a ‘treasure hunt’, beginning with paddle boarding to force both of them into swimwear. Then she pretty much digs a hole and finds some treasure and that’s the whole treasure hunt. Hooray for time-filler dates!
The treasure is a bracelet that looks like it’s made of diamonds, but you know if they actually were diamonds Channel Ten would have made a big fucking deal in the ads this week about Bachie Wood giving someone diamonds, so I’m fairly certain they’re just some very lovely sparkly stones.
Emily is happy nonetheless, but yet to reveal anything about her personality that isn’t giggling and/or looking annoyed. I kind of love that she’s a total princess and admits it. But what I love more is the total war that’s currently going on between Bachie Wood’s brain and Bachie Wood’s peen. He keeps talking about how sexy Emily is, but how he’s not sure if she’s the right one for him. Which basically means that when Bachie Wood hangs out with Emily, it’s like that Seinfeld episode where the brain plays against the penis in a game of chess:
Bachie Wood is clearly struggling to let his brain do the sensible thing, which would be to walk away from this girl who can’t crack jokes like his one true love, Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather. But the peen is winning. Despite spending the entire date looking bored and wondering whether there is anything more to Emily than her looks, he tells her he definitely wants to see her again, and gives her a rose.