And we’re back to opening on the girls in the Girl Prison this week, which perplexes me. Why has there been such a lack of ‘Bachie Wood walking and thinking on the beach’ shots this season? How are we supposed to know that he’s taking this journey seriously unless he takes his shirt off, flexes his biceps and squints into the sunset? Is he not taking this journey seriously? Should we be concerned? Should someone get the Queen of Channel Ten, Sandra Sully on the phone? BACHIE WOOD’S MUSCLES GIVE US A DIRECT LINE TO HIS BRAIN. WE NEED TO SEE THEM TO PROVE IT IS WORKING.
Oshie’s Hair arrives and delivers the single date card, which goes to Emily. She continues to gloriously sip her tea like she couldn’t give a fuck, which confuses all the other girls.
Why isn’t she jumping up and down and screaming like a banshee? Doesn’t she realise she just won a whole day of Bachie peen? Bachie peen, Emily!
SINGLE DATE TIME
Bachie Wood goes into the date admitting that he knows nothing about Emily, but has kept her locked in the Girl Prison for almost two months because she’s a hot piece of ass. He wants her to ‘open up’ to see if there’s more to her than the hot factor, so he makes her ‘do’ things, which she clearly doesn’t like. They go on a ‘treasure hunt’, beginning with paddle boarding to force both of them into swimwear. Then she pretty much digs a hole and finds some treasure and that’s the whole treasure hunt. Hooray for time-filler dates!
The treasure is a bracelet that looks like it’s made of diamonds, but you know if they actually were diamonds Channel Ten would have made a big fucking deal in the ads this week about Bachie Wood giving someone diamonds, so I’m fairly certain they’re just some very lovely sparkly stones.
Emily is happy nonetheless, but yet to reveal anything about her personality that isn’t giggling and/or looking annoyed. I kind of love that she’s a total princess and admits it. But what I love more is the total war that’s currently going on between Bachie Wood’s brain and Bachie Wood’s peen. He keeps talking about how sexy Emily is, but how he’s not sure if she’s the right one for him. Which basically means that when Bachie Wood hangs out with Emily, it’s like that Seinfeld episode where the brain plays against the penis in a game of chess:
Bachie Wood is clearly struggling to let his brain do the sensible thing, which would be to walk away from this girl who can’t crack jokes like his one true love, Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather. But the peen is winning. Despite spending the entire date looking bored and wondering whether there is anything more to Emily than her looks, he tells her he definitely wants to see her again, and gives her a rose.
SORRY BRAIN, THE PEEN WON THIS ROUND.
Group date time!
Oh and it looks like the girls are leaving the Girl Prison to go to a farm to do farm things! And hold up – it NISSAN looks like NISSAN has decided NISSAN to make another NISSAN subtle appearance.
Look NISSAN at that shiny white NISSAN and how NISSAN it easily maneouvers NISSAN out of the driveway NISSAN!
And NISSAN look at that NISSAN sleek and NISSAN easy-to-use navigation NISSAN system!
And O.M.F.G – look how NISSAN that sexy NISSAN looks while NISSAN NISSAN NISSAN NISSAN NISSAN NISSAN!
TOYOTA! Whoops sorry, I mean NISSAN!
Yay! When the girls arrive at the ‘farm’ (some wooden buildings with some trees), we see it’s time for Bachie Wood and Oshie to face off in another HAIR WARS: The farm edition.
Hmmm. Tough call. Bachie Wood clearly has the height, but Oshie definitely has the stiffness that we know and love. I, of course, will always side with my one true love Oshie’s Hair, and would like to remind Bachie Wood that he’s on very delicate ground and better BACK THE FUCK OFF.
Since this is a group date in a gimmicky outdoor location, obviously the girls are going to be subjected to a series of humiliating, gimmicky challenges, all to prove that they’re ‘real’ and ‘fun’ enough for Bachie Wood’s peen.
Humiliating Challenge #1: Bobbing for Apples
This challenge is basically looking for a girl who is willing to get into the actual bucket and consume all 11 apples in under a minute. Anything less means you’re not putting in enough effort for Bachie Wood.
Obviously Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather wins, because this is a totally laid back and cool game. She says something about putting her ‘energies in a line’, but it almost certainly had more to do with the murderous rage that drives her to keep any other girl away from Bachie (and to keep that lovely braided collection of his pubes under her pillow).
She gets five precious minutes of alone time with Bachie Wood, and they spend it making lemonade because that’s what a Channel Ten producer assumed that people do on farms. Ebru mentions that she thinks there might be more romance to Bachie Wood and Heather’s relationship than what everybody thinks. Um, ADOY. Finally, FINALLY someone has spotted the obvious and realised that the Totally Laid Back and Cool thing totally worked and Bachie Wood and Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather are already married and touching special places and making little Laid Back Cool Bachie Wood babies.
Bachie Wood asks his future wife what happened to her pigtails, to which her response is, “Um, you just forced me to dunk my head in a bucket of water during an undignified contest, the prize of which was to spend five minutes with you. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK HAPPENED TO MY PIGTAILS?
JK. She just giggles.
Humiliating Challenge #2: Chasing and ‘shearing’ sheep. (Basically wrestling them to the ground and cutting a bit of wool off them, that way they can call the challenge ‘Shearing Sheep’ and not just ‘Herding Sheep like a dog’.)
Jasmin is refusing to pretend that she’s excited about this bullshit challenge, and that is confusing the fuck out of everybody. Especially Bachie Wood, who seems particularly perplexed that she isn’t enjoying his game.
She’s clearly upset the natural balance of things. Nobody can quite understand how she could have the audacity to be open about the fact she isn’t enjoying an activity that Bachie Wood spent 30 solid seconds talking to a producer about. How very DARE she not pretend to be having the time of her life chasing sheep around a pen? HOW DARE SHE. Jasmin is clearly getting booted after that horrifying display of defiance.
Now we have a barn dance, because Oshie’s Hair says that before the internet, our entire history of evolution and procreation was dependant on men and ladies meeting at barn dances. They do some dancing, before – GASP! – Bachie Wood takes Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather away for her second round of alone time. All the other girls are finally realising that Heather has won and has probably already had Bachie Peen plant flowers in her lady garden.
Bachie Wood takes Sarah away, just to remind us there is still a blonde girl on this show. She babbles like an idiot. Bachie Wood just looks like he misses Heather.
Next up he takes Parmigiana (I’ve gotten to the point where I actually don’t remember her real name except that it sounded like Parmigiana) off for some alone time. He tells her that he doesn’t care that he doesn’t really know her, because they just have such a strong ‘physical connection’. So, in other words, it doesn’t matter if they’re completely wrong for each other because HOT. SO HOT. Bachie Wood says something about not needing to stupid things like talk and – HOLD UP A FUCKING SECOND.
He leans in for a fucking pash:
Then he tells her that he’s been waiting so long to do that and when he’s apart from her he can’t wait to see her and WTF is going on Bachie Wood? Aren’t you already married to Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather? We all know you’ve been giving her your pubes to braid and keep under her pillow. I get the feeling this is another example of Bachie Peen losing the battle against Bachie brain. Is Cool Girl Heather going to be usurped by Parmigiana (and her little daughter Chicken)?
Parmigiana says she feels really bad that they kissed on a group date, because it goes against the ‘girl code’. Yep. Feminism was definitely intact on The Bachelor until this very moment – you called it, Parmie.
COCKTAIL PARTY TI – Wait. Whaaa? No cocktail party tonight! We cut straight to the rose ceremony. This is bullshit. I want to see the girls get drunk and bitch about each other. We deserve that much for making it this far! WE DESERVE THAT MUCH.
Oshie’s Hair comes in to explain the complicated maths:
“If little Sally has $3.00, and she uses that money to walk five miles to the science fair in 3 hours, how many strands of Bachie Wood’s pubes does Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather need to braid it into a mane as thick and luscious as my glorious locks? ONE. One girl is going home tonight.”
To build suspense, they do voice overs of the three losers who aren’t going to make it much longer. Nina says something, that blonde girl who isn’t Sarah says something, and Jasmin says something. Clearly Jasmin is the one getting booted. By admitting she wasn’t having the time of her life on that group date, she upset the natural laws of The Bachelor and therefore must leave immediately.
She is booted immediately. Oshie tells Jasmin that she’s a loser and must get lost ASAP. She leaves, and everybody breathes a sigh of relief. Things are now as they should be. No more pesky, self-assured women trying short-circuit the system. We are safe for another week.
Missed a recap? Catch up here.