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This week's Real Housewives recap: Bitching in toilets and the 'Louvre in London'.

We are a couple on this show and we are walking to a place.

First of all, the “Previously on Housewives” bit before the show is devoted to explaining the whole complicated backstory of the rift between Gina and Jackie. Which almost certainly means this is going to be yet another episode devoted to the rift between Gina and Jackie. Which I would love, if anything new had happened in the rift between Gina and Jackie.

Which it has not.

Deep breath. Here we go.

Well that’s a surprise. This week we open on normal Chyka and her hubby walking along the beach. And because they are normal, drama-less humans, they have nothing interesting to say, so they just resort to telling us what they’re doing as they’re doing it.

First they tell us what they’re doing tonight: “I’m very excited that we’re going on a date tonight sweetheart.”

And, just in case we’re confused, they then clarify what they’re doing in this very moment: “I’m loving being on the beach.”

Then they confirm that the date is starting and that they have arrived at the venue of the said date: “So are we going to Stokehouse?”

“Yes. We are going to Stokehouse. Right over there.”

Chyka’s husband then points to a building with a sign that says ‘Stokehouse’.

They then enter Stokehouse.

At dinner, they just talk about their lives and their relationship. The level of detail provided makes me suspicious that the producers are concerned that we’ve forgotten Chyka actually exists. Then they run around Luna Park for a while and talk about being best friends and blah blah blah. I just wish she was wearing weave so someone could come and pull it out.

Janet’s golden turd has been transformed.

Finally! Cut to Janet, who is shopping for her (*cough 40th cough*) birthday present. The old wedding rings she had melted down into a golden turd a few weeks ago have been remoulded into a flashy diamond extravaganza. Kind of a fitting metaphor for most of the women on this show.

Next up, we have Jackie, who is heading to see her hubby, International Rock Star Ben Gillies, in the studio she sometimes stores him in during the day.

They’ve hired some artist to come up with a label for their new cocktail line. IRSBG says the cocktail line is Jackie’s dream, which is interesting, because a few episodes ago her dream was to release a tequila line. The magic feather angels are fickle, I guess.

They then spend 10 minutes dipping flowers in paint and rubbing them on a canvas because this is their business strategy and it’s really important.

International Rock Star Ben Gillies sticks his hand on Jackie’s boob cos we’re the crazy couple you guys! We’re so zany and wacky! We’re not stuffy Toorak people, we’re fun people! WE’RE YOUNG AND FUNKY AND UNPREDICTABLE AND *EYETWITCH* GIVE US OUR OWN SHOW *EYETWITCH*

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LOTS OF LULZ COS WE BE CRAZY!

Jackie says that when she put the paint on the canvas it was like “a miracle had happened”. But we just wouldn’t understand, you guys, because “on a human level it’s hard to explain it. The universe was saying ‘this is what you’ve asked for, now you’ve achieved it.'”

Well, if you are asked to decimate a canvas with painted flowers and have your husband grope your boob, then yeah, you definitely achieved something today.

Gina: Can’t even deal. Goes to the toilet.

Cut to evening, and the girls are all out for dinner for Janet’s birthday party.

Ooooh, as Gina heads to the restaurant, the editors start playing Disney villain music. Then, to further illustrate how Gina is the bad guy this week, they cut to a private aside with her to see what horrible villainous thing she has to say:

“It’s Janet’s birthday, so it’s a great excuse to catch up with the girls and have a drink.”

BITCH.

OMG. They just broke the news that Lydia isn’t coming to this dinner. I’m actually devastated. Who will get drunk and say bizarre sexual things at inappropriate times? And who will talk about money? How will we know these ladies have money if Lydia isn’t there to talk about the money?!? MONEY.

Obviously, Janet’s birthday dinner immediately turns into a place for the Gina/Jackie saga to be brought up again. Andrea decides to confront Gina at this party about Gina being too confrontational at another party.

Exhausting. Seriously. Whatever.

In a move that proves she’s on the same wavelength as viewers everywhere, Gina gets bored and goes to the toilet.

The ladies then move on to The Love Machine, a bar that’s run by Janet’s son and I have just decided that Janet is my new fave and I really need her and her massive once-was-a-golden-turd ring in my life.

It’s drag queen night at the club, and not surprisingly, it takes Andrea less than 30 seconds to say something nasty and not at all clever about Gina’s appearance. And to wrap up the night, we get this pearl of wisdom from Janet:

“All birthdays are significant. Because let me tell you – if you’re not going to have another one, it sucks. Cos you’re dead.”

Somebody sew that onto a pillow immediately so I can pay a ridiculous amount of money for it.

“How many times do I have to explain the difference between Nanny 2 and Housekeeper 4?”

It’s a new day, and Andrea meets up with some author who is going to help her write her book about how to be a successful working mother.

I can’t imagine why she’d need help though – calling her kid Buster and being openly nasty about another woman’s appearance on national television has got her off to such a great start.

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But Andrea totally understands that she’s privileged, you guys. And because she’s from Toorak and has five nannies, she gets a bunch of working mothers to come to a focus group so she can find out what they want from a book about working mothers.

(Just a stab in the dark here: I’m pretty sure that you can’t say you’re writing a book about the ‘hardships’ of being a working mother in the same sentence that you talk about how essential it is to have a well-organised ‘nanny manual’.)

The women in the focus group start to get confused about what tasks on Andrea’s list should be allocated to the nanny and what tasks should be allocated to the housekeeper. Yep – this book is definitely going to be a bestseller in the ‘Toorak Bookstore That Specialises In Books For Women Who Struggle To Manage Their Multiple Nannies And Housekeepers’.

Done with book research for the day, Andrea has lunch with Jackie, where they talk about the drama at Janet’s birthday that stemmed from the drama at Jackie’s housewarming that stemmed form the drama at Lydia’s dinner.

Apparently, Gina said something mean about Andrea in the toilets and Andrea called Gina to confront her about what she said in the toilets. Oh, and hello! Andrea’s non-Toorak past comes out to play when she’s bitching about people bitching about her in the toilets: “So I said to her,” Andrea says, infuriated, “what was you saying about me in the toilets?”

Lydia: May be buying a glitter bear. But first needs to check The Louvre in London and the Tate Modern in Bali.

Can’t even deal.

Cut to Lydia, who, bless her heart, is back from Thredbo and has decided she needs some more art for the snow house.

If, just once in my life, I could legitimately use the sentence “I need some more art for the snow house,” I would die a happy woman.

Lydia can’t decide between a glitter panther and a glitter bear, so she gets the gallery girl to come in and tell us the price of each, so that everyone at home will know she can afford the price of each. Money. Glitter panther. Money.

And just when I thought we hadn’t seen enough of Lydia this week, she leaves us with one lasting gem that steals the whole episode:

“The artist named the panther after the Mona Leeza, from the Louvre. In London.”

Bless.

Next week, Andrea wants to know more about what was said about her in the toilet, and Gina wears inappropriate attire to a society tennis match. GASP!


The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs Sunday nights on Arena at 8:30pm. Catch up on past recaps here:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

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