First of all, the “Previously on Housewives” bit before the show is devoted to explaining the whole complicated backstory of the rift between Gina and Jackie. Which almost certainly means this is going to be yet another episode devoted to the rift between Gina and Jackie. Which I would love, if anything new had happened in the rift between Gina and Jackie.
Which it has not.
Deep breath. Here we go.
Well that’s a surprise. This week we open on normal Chyka and her hubby walking along the beach. And because they are normal, drama-less humans, they have nothing interesting to say, so they just resort to telling us what they’re doing as they’re doing it.
First they tell us what they’re doing tonight: “I’m very excited that we’re going on a date tonight sweetheart.”
And, just in case we’re confused, they then clarify what they’re doing in this very moment: “I’m loving being on the beach.”
Then they confirm that the date is starting and that they have arrived at the venue of the said date: “So are we going to Stokehouse?”
“Yes. We are going to Stokehouse. Right over there.”
Chyka’s husband then points to a building with a sign that says ‘Stokehouse’.
They then enter Stokehouse.
At dinner, they just talk about their lives and their relationship. The level of detail provided makes me suspicious that the producers are concerned that we’ve forgotten Chyka actually exists. Then they run around Luna Park for a while and talk about being best friends and blah blah blah. I just wish she was wearing weave so someone could come and pull it out.
Finally! Cut to Janet, who is shopping for her (*cough 40th cough*) birthday present. The old wedding rings she had melted down into a golden turd a few weeks ago have been remoulded into a flashy diamond extravaganza. Kind of a fitting metaphor for most of the women on this show.
Next up, we have Jackie, who is heading to see her hubby, International Rock Star Ben Gillies, in the studio she sometimes stores him in during the day.
They’ve hired some artist to come up with a label for their new cocktail line. IRSBG says the cocktail line is Jackie’s dream, which is interesting, because a few episodes ago her dream was to release a tequila line. The magic feather angels are fickle, I guess.
They then spend 10 minutes dipping flowers in paint and rubbing them on a canvas because this is their business strategy and it’s really important.
International Rock Star Ben Gillies sticks his hand on Jackie’s boob cos we’re the crazy couple you guys! We’re so zany and wacky! We’re not stuffy Toorak people, we’re fun people! WE’RE YOUNG AND FUNKY AND UNPREDICTABLE AND *EYETWITCH* GIVE US OUR OWN SHOW *EYETWITCH*