It’s here, you guys. It’s finally here. Real Housewives of Melbourne started tonight on Arena at 8:30pm.
Was there ever any doubt I would be writing about it? None. None at all. There’s just too much good stuff to behold.
Let’s dive right in.
We open with exciting music and lots of shots of the rich parts of Melbourne. Jewellery stores! Fancy cars! Money! These ladies are rich! Money!
The opening credits give us each the housewives’ catchphrases, which is a clever ploy by the producers to make sure you know who’s a bitch and who isn’t, even though the show hasn’t even begun.
Gina: “I’ll give you my opinion, but you better be ready to hear it.”
Lydia: “I may look like a jetsetter, but my feet are firmly on the ground.”
Janet: “When life throws rocks, I melt them down into diamonds.”
Jackie: “My husband may be a rock star, but now it’s my turn to shine, shine, shine.”
Andrea: “Never come between a woman and her plastic surgeon.”
Chyka: “My fabulous life comes down to love and laughter; not luck.”
Because this is the first episode, we are going to get short introduction packages for each woman, to help us decide who we like and who we hate. This is also when the producers explain which of the women are already ‘friends’. And the first introduction package we get to see is… Lydia’s!
Lydia is putting her mini dog into her Porsche. Oh man this is going to be good. In her talking head (the cutaways where the ladies sit by themselves and tell you their bitchy insights about everything), she mentions that her Grandma once told her to find a man or something. Now she’s married to a big shot architect, so – nailed it. Spends his money. Goes skiing. Drives with a mini dog on her lap. Jimmy Choo Handbags Gucci etc etc money money etc. Money.
Lydia drives her Porsche right up to the door of her private jet. Then talks a lot about her Porsche and her private jet. I’m not sure if you noticed but Lydia has a Porsche and a private jet. Money.
She also has three kids, three step-kids and is studying interior design to kill time between driving her mini dog around in her Porsche. Lydia says she’s always loved design, now she’s just ‘formalising’ what she loves doing. I’m pretty sure that’s what Kate Middleton said when she had that job at Jigsaw for two seconds while she was waiting for Prince William to propose.
We cut to a shot of Lydia’s family at dinner. Lydia’s mother has come over to cook the meal because Lydia is too busy ‘formalising’ her life. While eating Lydia asks her husband to buy her a new Porsche.
Did she mention he has money? MONEY.
New day. Lydia goes to meet her ‘friends’ Andrea and Gina for lunch at a small table in an empty restaurant. Very realistic, you guys. Well played.
It’s time for our second introduction package: Gina.
Gina takes a lot of pride in her appearance. Doesn’t own a tracksuit. And she looks… She’s… Well… “I have often described myself as the ultimate drag queen,” she says.
Well, I’m glad someone said it.
We watch her meeting her stylist, who “understands glitter and glamour.” Gina also has a mini dog, because everybody on this show has a mini dog. She has two sons. She backcombs the crap out of her hair every day and her older sister is famous designer Bettina Liano.