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Awful bitchiness and so much bullying: This week's Real Housewives recap.

Going to Mission Beach to bitch about Gina.

So we know this episode is going to be about how everyone hates Gina because the ‘previously on Housewives’ package is all about how everyone hates Gina. I think it’s because she was late to tennis last week.

BITCH.

This week the ladies are going on a trip to Queensland, and the girls keep saying the words ‘Mission Beach’, so I think they may be headed to a place called Mission Beach. In fact, they’re saying ‘Mission Beach’ so much I feel like there may be some serious advertising dollars on the line so I’m going to give them a hand and throw it out there a few times: Mission Beach. They’re going to Mission Beach. That’s Mission Beach in Queensland. The ladies are going to Mission Beach. Mission Beach.

Flying there by helicopter, Lydia takes the opportunity to remind us that she has money by telling us that the best way to get to any resort is by helicopter. Money. Cash. Money.

Gina is late for the helicopter ride to Mission Beach Mission Beach Mission Beach and now the girls are really annoyed at her again. She says she’s so excited to spend a fun weekend with her girlfriends.

BITCH.

Once at the Mission Beach resort at Mission Beach, Jackie feels like she’s “someone in Europe with a bit of a J-Lo vibe”. The girls then sit around drinking for a while and – I’m not even joking – plan a party for their dogs.

Jackie, Andrea and Lydia then go for a quiet walk somewhere in Mission Beach so they can bitch about Gina. Andrea is still really mad that she was late to the tennis last week.

Bitching about Gina on a walk.

Janet has also now officially moved over to the Mean Girls group, and is telling everybody what Gina said about them in the toilets a few weeks ago. (Explainer: The girls completely ambushed Gina with bitchiness at a party. Gina got sick of their shit and went to the toilets and had a massive rant to Janet about how mean they were all being. Janet has told now everyone what Gina said because she got mad that Gina was late to the tennis. Moral of the story: Never be late to freaking tennis.)

Lydia, Andrea and Jackie plan to confront Gina AGAIN tonight at dinner. This whole series is turning into a show about who is the best at confronting Gina about being confronting.

The girls do yoga and Jackie says something about being a psychic because of course she does. But not even Jackie’s magic rug feather craziness is enough to keep the attention this week. This week, it’s all about the Mean Girls being mean to Gina. And why wouldn’t they be, when she says such horrible things to Andrea like THIS:

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“Hey! How are you? How nice is this? So are the other girls coming?”

BITCH.

Cut to a private moment with Gina saying she thinks Jackie has a really big heart.

BITCH.

Bitching about Gina by the pool.

Jackie and Gina talk about kids and life on one pool chair, while Lydia and Andrea talk about Gina on the other. And when they run out of bitchy things to say about Gina, they just resort to staring over at her with bitchy looks on their faces. They make a comment about her bag probably being a knock-off and erupt into giggles because they are both really classy ladies.

The show needs at least one conversation that isn’t about Gina’s appearance/personality/clothing choice/makeup, etc, so we cut to Chyka and Janet having a serious chat on the other side of the pool. Janet tells Chyka about a really horrible accident her son was in a year ago and Chyka says something lovely and normal and supportive. But, as lovely as it is, it isn’t exactly Housewives-style gripping television, so the producers send Jackie in at a rally touching point in their conversation to shake things up:

“What are youse talking about?”

You would think that with her psychic magic angel rug feather abilities that she would already know.

Cut to dinner that night. Andrea has convinced everyone at the table that they need to confront Gina about… About… I’m not exactly sure what about. Being late to tennis?

They go around the table and play a totally fun and not-at-all bitchy game where say what they thought of each other when they first met. Andrea sniggers and tells Gina that the first thing she thought about her was that she wears too much makeup. Gina replies by saying that she thought Andrea was a beautiful woman, and “such an inspiration who just works so hard”.

More bitching about Gina by the pool.

BITCH.

Janet decides that is the LAST STRAW and she has to confront Gina about being late to the tennis last week. Gina calmly asks her of she’d like to talk about it in private over coffee. Um, obviously not.

Gina apologises about being late to the tennis. Says she had work and was clear with the producers that she had work. She then adds as an aside that she has a very busy life. BIG MISTAKE. That’s all Andrea needed to let her bitchiness erupt into the stratosphere.

How could Gina assume that she is busy, when she doesn’t have three kids called PotPlant, Sandbox and KitKat to look after, plus five nannies to keep organised?

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Andrea wants to compare how busy they are. Gina says no.

BITCH.

Now Lydia’s decided that she’s angry at Gina too. Something to do with a book about vaginas and money. Rich vaginas? Money pubes? I don’t know. It’s all happening so fast.

Chyka tries to cut in to keep the peace but Andrea’s not having it. Poor Chyka. She doesn’t understand that sense, kindness and normalcy have no place among bat-shit crazy bitchiness.

Okay. This attack on Gina is officially at fever-pitch Crucible-style mass hysteria now. I cannot believe how awful they are all being to this woman. She’s just sitting at the dinner table while they hurl ugly abuse at her. (With the exception of lovely, normal Chyka. And Jackie, surprisingly, who is mostly staying the hell out of it. Although she did play a huge role in fanning this flame to begin with, so not completely blameless.)

Now they’re annoyed that Gina left Andrea’s bathroom in a mess.

BITCH.

Oh, and Gina used the hand towel Andrea had provided for guests.

BITCH.

Bitching about Gina to her face.

And Gina walked on Andrea’s tennis court in her heels.

BITCH.

Gina just sits there calmly and takes it. She occasionally tries to speak, but that just makes the women even more hysterical.

Cut to a private moment with Andrea, who says, “Our intention going into the dinner was to make Gina aware of the issues we find offensive and inappropriate,” which is code for: “Our intention going into this dinner was to mercilessly bully a woman by ganging up on her and yelling in her face.”

And that’s what this is. It’s bullying. Seriously – I know these recaps are a bit of fun, but this is not enjoyable to watch or write about. This isn’t even so bad it’s funny. It’s just awful. I would be rocking back and forth in a panic by now if I was Gina. Instead, she’s handling it all with total class. She even generously says in a private cutaway that she doesn’t hate Andrea, she just feels sorry for her.

But Andrea isn’t finished. In fact, she’s on a bit of a roll now. Without a hint of irony or self-awareness, she points at Gina and says, “You are rude. You are vulgar. You are confrontational and aggressive.”

I don’t know about you guys, but the only person I’ve ever seen be rude, vulgar, confrontational and aggressive on this show is Andrea.

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The bitchiness and hatred is peaking now. Andrea looks at Gina and says, “I actually get offended just looking at you.”

The women are then so desperate to say mean and awful things to Gina that they’re actually yelling over each other to get a word in. They haven’t even noticed that Gina isn’t responding to a word they say. And in a moment of total class and humour, Gina whips out her compact and starts powdering her nose – the only calm presence at a table full of psychopaths.

This is exhausting. Awful, embarrassing and exhausting.

Gina: Whatever bitches.

Gina finally cracks it and tells them all to go and combust in a corner, which just sets them off again.

Chyka’s gentle soul can’t handle all the negativity. She gets up and leaves.

In a private cutaway, Gina sums it up perfectly: “Its a schoolyard mentality… Andrea is the captain. And Lydia is the puppy that rolls over and piddles every time Andrea looks at her.” And Janet is just… I don’t know what Janet is. I think she just got caught up in the hysteria of it all.

The next morning, Gina leaves Mission Beach. She lasted a lot longer than I would have. She calls her mum before she goes and I just want to give her a big hug and make her some soup while she back-combs her glorious hair.

Far from being embarrassed by their disgusting behaviour, the girls are now angry that Gina had the audacity to leave. Not willing to stay to put up with more of their merciless bullying?

BITCH.

At breakfast, Chyka tells the ladies that she didn’t like the way they attacked Gina, which makes them all turn on Chyka for ‘being too diplomatic’ (which is code for ‘acting like a decent human being’).

Ugh. I feel dirty. That was not an enjoyable experience. Gina deserves a freaking medal putting up with that behaviour. That was straight-up bullying. Those women should be ashamed. Money.


The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs Sunday nights on Arena at 8:30pm. Catch up on past recaps here:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5