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thorj1969 August 19, 2020

Careful with broad brushstrokes! I totally understand the author - I had to break with my single-parent mom when I was in my 20s because she was so manipulative and abusive with my wife. I was able to put up with her controlling and immature behavior it when it was just me, but not when it affected the love of my life. She would have never acknowledged or changed in any way. The funny thing was my wife was always trying to get me to reconcile with her because she felt it was important - I just couldn't do it anymore.

She recently passed away from cancer. I didn't attend her funeral. I love her as my mom every day, I just couldn't take the toxicity of her as a person.

Now the flip side... We have four adoptive children and one birth child (no we don't make a distinction - just needed for the story). We try to raise our kids with love, but with boundries. Our boundries are determined by our beliefs and we strive to instill them in our children.

Just to be clear, our beliefs are not cray cray. They basically boil down to:

* You will respect your parents authority

* You will attend church with the family (we only go once a week for crying in the bucket)

* You will not use God's name in vain

* You will not use drugs (or give the appearance of) in our home

* You will earn the "extra" things you want (both our boys did not have drivers licenses when they left our home - it was tied to passing grades - they never passed - ever!)

* You will not have unmonitored Internet access (I work in IT, I know what kind of crap is out there an how hard it is to keep kids away from it)

Really, that was about it.

Our older boys weren't having any of it. The older they got, the more they wanted to be the kids they saw on TV/internet. The reinforcement they got from all the "latchkey" kids didn't help. These were kids who had divorced single parents that provided them with food, shelter, spending money, "toys" (cars, phones, xboxes, etc.) and and insane amount of "freedom" because they couldn't be there because they were out earning money to provide all of this for their kids.

At 17 1/2 and 18 these kids walked out - smack dab into a world that just doesn't care. We attempted several times to get them to come back and try to get their lives on track. When we made it clear that we loved them, but would not bend in our beliefs - they were gone again.

Our oldest is a disaster. I don't believe we will ever see him again. After drugs, multiple jobs, and an abandoned child on his part - I believe he blames us for his lot in life.

Our second oldest called out of the blue on Mother's Day three years ago. Said he just wanted to apologize and let us know how much he loves us. He pretty much comes home every weekend and spends time with us (three kids still at home - one attending college locally). He doesn't live the life that we would have chosen for him, but he understands our beliefs and respects them while he is around us.

Every story is different. Immediately painting the kids as selfish brats would be wrong, but I believe priming people to immediately blame the parents is just as wrong. If you actually care, you need to learn the entire story of the people involved before you pass judgement. Remember, if you are immediately looking to see which side you should disrespect and put down, you are missing an opportunity to reach out and see who you can lift up.

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