“I don’t want to do this, I just can’t do this."

By DEBBIE SPINK

How is possible to look at a beautiful two week old baby and only want to throw it out the window? I would have thought unfathomable, until the beast of postnatal depression after the birth of my second daughter overtook me.

My illness was recognised, despite my efforts to conceal it, when I went for my check up with my Obstetrician when my daughter was seven weeks old. While I am extremely thankful that he knew I was not well and insisted on treatment, I continue to be perturbed by the comment he made as I was leaving his office to go directly to a Perinatal Psychiatrist – “I don’t know why you are depressed, your labour was fine.”

Even amongst our highly-trained medical practitioners, there remains a lack of knowledge and understanding about perinatal mental illness. This can lead to, (and most certainly does on many occasions because I witness it in other families), poor advice, a lack of support, inaccurate diagnosis and the potential for a very scary illness to progress to even deeper and darker levels.

By the time my treatment began to take effect my daughter was three months old and my toddler was two and a half. For those three months, my children experienced me crying uncontrollably; spending hours in a rocking chair completely disconnected to them and anything else; lying in bed avoiding all activities; showing anger, aggression and frustration directed at them – mostly for just for being there; and an expression that never revealed even a hint of happiness. All the while, my head was filled with thoughts of, “I want to go way and never come back”, “I don’t want her” “Please someone take her back”, “I don’t want to do this, I just can’t do this”, “I just want to throw her out the window and leave”.

These were like tapes on repeat in my head and I found it almost impossible to think of anything else. I was completely incapable of any happiness or joy. You could have handed me the cutest kitten in the world whilst I was standing in the most beautiful garden in the world wearing the most fabulous dress ever made which was just given to me, and I would not have experienced joy. It was like that part of my brain simply did not exist anymore.

My treatment, which included anti-depressants and psychiatric intervention, took about another three months to finally bring that part of my brain to life again. By this stage, Charlotte was six months old. I’ll never forget the moment I, for the very first time, looked at her and felt true love. It was so freeing! A huge weight was lifted! I suddenly realised that I had always loved her, I was simply incapable of experiencing it because of the beast of depression.

The sadness for this time in my family’s life will always be with me. I often think about what we all missed out on – especially my kids. No baby or child should experience the rejection, the isolation, and the lack of love in their lives as mine did. Not only should they not experience it because of the sadness, but because these early experiences can have long lasting detrimental effects on a child’s development emotionally, socially and intellectually. They are more likely to develop a mental illness themselves and have more difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships. We have proof on brain scans! This really does happen!

Thankfully, this too can be treated. My children have received and will continue to receive psychological support. Our brains are very trainable! We can rewire them! I have seen the evidence in my own kids. I am very grateful for this, but as with most things, prevention is most certainly better than cure.

Debbie Spink, Founder and Managing Director of Peach Tree Perinatal Wellness.

Debbie is a mother of two girls. Seven weeks after the birth of her second daughter, she was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Debbie began treatment immediately, is now fully recovered and enjoys a full life with her young family.

In 2010, Debbie started to focus on how other women and families could benefit from her experience. Realising how little the public knew about perinatal mental health, it was clear to her that a great need existed to raise awareness and understanding of the issue, and to address difficulties in accessing the limited support systems that do exist.

About Peach Tree

Peach Tree is a not-for-profit organisation, and registered charity, founded and run by parents, for parents. Peach Tree support and educate families experiencing stress and mental illness in the perinatal period. They provide a space where parents can feel free from judgment and can become connected to their community via peer support. www.panda.org.au.

About PANDA

PANDA (Post and Antenatal Depression Association) is a national organisation committed to a community where perinatal depression and anxiety are recognised and the impact on women, men and their families are minimised through acknowledgement, support and education.