When my daughter is born next month, my husband and I have a very specific plan for how things are going to go down. Call the doula, fill up the birthing tub, allow her to rest on my chest before cutting the cord, and immediately pierce her tongue. For some reason, this last part of our plan has some of our acquaintances a bit rankled. Even though plenty of women (and some men) get their tongues pierced as adults, somehow it’s barbaric when a baby is involved. But I can assure you — my husband and I are doing this for the right reasons. Here’s why:
My husband and I are devout Juggalos, and we want to raise our daughter to whoop-whoop with the rest of the family. It’s important that our little dirtbag grows up with a solid understanding of our ideals, which include hanging out at Hot Topic but not buying anything, and suggestively licking at strangers across a crowded Applebee’s. A pierced tongue is about more than just cracked teeth and cranial abscesses—it’s about who you are and where you came from. And for us, our daughter came from my pussy, which is also pierced.
“These Two Girls” provide us with some more satirical parenting milestones. Post continues after video…