These anti-aphrodisiacs are killing your intimacy. Kick them out of bed for good
If sex is so good for our relationships, why do we put it on the back-burner so often?
Good sex improves sleep, provides a total-body release and strengthens your marriage. “It provides so many benefits that make us all-around better mothers and people,” says Logan Levkoff, a sexologist, sex educator, author of “Got Teens?,” and most importantly, a mother.
So if sex is so good for us, why does it keep falling off our to-do lists? Sure, some of us are so sleep deprived that just opening our eyes is an act of willpower. But there are many other reasons our intimate lives tend to wane, and most of them are easy to overcome.
Consider the following common anti-aphrodisiacs, and how to avoid them.
1. Talking non-stop about the kids
“It’s easy to fall into a pattern where you only talk about how many diapers you changed that day,” says Levkoff. “Diapers are the least sexy thing you could ever talk about.”
The fix: Vibrant conversations are like a form of foreplay. So think back to your lives before children. What did you used to talk about? Politics? Pop culture? The news? Push yourself to start conversations that don’t revolve around your children.
2. You’re waiting for the mood to strike
Sure, that might happen every once in a while, usually at a time when your spouse isn’t around or it’s not convenient.
The fix: For the rest of the time, learn how to cultivate a sense of sexiness, suggests Rachel A. Weinstein, a psychotherapist in Portland, Maine. “Even when you don’t feel loving, act loving,” she says. “Think of love as a verb rather than a noun.” When you act affectionate, for instance, you’ll feel affectionate. When you act in love, you’ll feel in love, and when you act sexy, you’ll feel sexy.
3. You reserve foreplay for just before the main event
Reserve foreplay for just before the main event. Doing so can make foreplay feel mechanical and about as enticing as painting your bedroom.
The fix: Instead, practice intentional acts of foreplay all day long, suggests Dayna M. Kurtz, a postpartum specialist. Maybe you send playful emails or texts, leave love notes in each other’s bags, or make a point of grabbing one another for a long embrace. “Harken back to the days of your early courtship,” she says. “That worked once before, and it can work for you again.”