parents

47 minutes, 2 Weetbix: How to deal with a procrastinating child.

 

Em Rusciano with kids, Odette and Marchella.

 

 

 

Do your kids take a ridiculous amount of time to get ready in the morning before school or am I just raising a brilliant sadistic child who gets her thrills by secretly fucking with me every day?

This morning she put on a display of procrastination not seen since the time I convinced my father that before I could settle down to complete my final year 12 maths assignment, it was crucial that I weigh our dog.

I couldn’t possibly start my homework until I had that vital piece of data. (You’d be surprised just how long one can stretch out the weighing of a 4.56kg Jack Russell Terrier).

This morning my child took exactly 47 minutes to eat two Weetbix; I could be almost proud of that effort if it didn’t make my eyes water with frustration. It’s not like she is shelling crabs here; old people and the very young can manage the sloppy mush that Weetbix inevitably becomes.

The events leading up to the world record slow eating attempt were also ball frustrating.

I went in to her room at 7:35am and gave her a clean uniform; she was sitting on the heating vent in her PJs clutching Toby dog.

Em: “O, it’s time to get dressed now. Here is your uniform. I’ll meet you in the kitchen in 5 minutes kay?”

O: “Kay Mum. Can I please have Weetbix with warm milk AND honey?”

Em: “Sure babes, just get dressed. Now, start taking your top off, let me see you take your top off”.

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But did she remove her spotty jarmie top?! Oh God no. Logically she commenced a complicated stretching routine. I’m not shitting you. Stretching like an elite athlete preparing for the race of her life.

Em: “O! What are you doing? That is not getting undressed that is a hamstring stretch”.

O: “I’m sore from gym mum, Ron said we need to stretch when we are sitting down at home. So I have to stretch ’cause Ron said. Then I’ll get dressed kay?”

Em: “O, put your clothes on now and come to the kitchen. I mean it, look at my face. See how serious it is?”

Em and Odette.

O: “You kinda look like you need to go the toilet Mum”.

Em: “Get. Dressed.”

8am rolls around and she still hasn’t fronted up to the kitchen… I decide to do a stealth investigation and creep back to her bedroom door.

There she was sitting in just her undies, back on the heating duct, clutching Toby dog.

Em: “O! You are not dressed, you are the opposite of dressed! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

O: “I am too cold to get dressed Mum.”

Em: “Well thats because you are NUDE, lady!”

She gives me a look that would kill a cactus and proceeds to pick up her clothes and apply them V  E  R  Y       S  L  O  W  L  Y to her body, never once breaking eye contact with me.

We played that game for 5 minutes. I just stood there as she painstakingly layered her school uniform on her body.

Finally she was dressed. Time check? 8.05am. Thirty minutes to put on a polo top, leggings, jumper and socks. I’m sorry to say I made a crucial error here, I didn’t demand the shoes be put on as well. I would pay for that later.

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We made our way to the kitchen, sat down at the table and then my daughter proceeded to eat her breakfast one flake at a time.

It was masterful. I walked in and out of the kitchen putting things away, answering emails, sitting and chatting with her and then I looked up at the clock and saw that 8:47 had rolled around and we were not even a bix down!

Em: “Ok, we need to leave now. Please go and put your shoes on.”

O: “I am not finished my breakfast!”

Duh.

Em: “Yes you are, go now and put your shoes on. Put them on your feet. Go get your shoes and wear them. I am waiting by the front door you have exactly 1 minute.”

8:48, 49, 50, 51, 52..

Em: “O, what the WHAT are you doing? Have you got your shoes on, we are going to be late!”

SILENCE.

GIGGLES.

O: “Muuuuum, WE’RE ready for school..”

Em: “Odette, I have had enough. We are going to be late and I am not writing in the tardy book “Weetbix” as your reason. Come out now. I am cross, for serious this time.”

I stomp into her bedroom to find Toby Dog, in full school uniform, complete with scrunchy on his ear and yes he wearing the fecking shoes!

Toby. In uniform.

God I love that kid.