parents

This is why parenting is just like an Olympic sport.

Athletes train long and hard to reach peak physical condition in their chosen sport. In fact, most wake up incredibly early, do the same thing over and over and over again in challenging conditions, for many years, with mind-numbing sameness, to prepare for success.

Hey parents, sound familiar?

It turns out there is a level-playing field so many of us have already been trained in, almost unwittingly, that we seemingly get no credit or accolades for. It’s called parenting.

So I got to thinking. What if there was a Parenting Olympics? Possible events could include but are not limited to:

1. Lego Hurdles

Like regular hurdles but instead of landing on grass, the competitor has to land on scattered Lego. Barefoot. For an added degree of difficulty, these pieces will be mostly upturned and of the sharp rectangular variety. Instant disqualification if a profanity is not used upon impact.

2. Child Weightlifting

This is an event whereby the competitor must attempt the clean and jerk on a child that is almost comatose in their car seat after midnight. This will be held after a massive night of running around at a BBQ in the hot sun and having eaten their bodyweight in Cheezels and gummy bears.

Points are awarded for delivering said child into their bed with zero head collisions with either the car door frame or the top of the bunk bed and then getting them tucked in, totally asleep. If a child awakes at any stage, points are deducted.

3. The broken Sleep Marathon.

Competitors are woken up from an established sleep in such a way they initially have no freaking idea where they are. They are then handed a crying baby that cannot and will not be soothed for at least 25 minutes. After the baby is fed, burped, changed and placed back down to sleep, they themselves are allowed to lay back down to sleep. In 30 minutes, the above situation is repeated. There are no winners in this event.

ADVERTISEMENT

4. Motor Boating

Okay, this genuinely was an Olympic Sport once upon a time, although I’m pretty sure it had a very different meaning back then. In my version, whoever gets their child to laugh the longest by continuously making the motor boat noise on said child’s stomach, thigh or chubby inner arm, wins.

5. Shooting – of photographs

The mission: to capture the perfect family portrait. To win gold one must a) have all children looking at the camera in unison. That’s it.

6. Change Room Wrestling

Each participant starts with a suspended plastic change table located inside a baby change room in some godforsaken suburban Megaplex. Each athlete must change their child’s nappy whilst simultaneously pinning said thrashing child down with one arm while trying to obtain a baby wipe which, for some inexplicable reason, is located at the bottom of the nappy bag. The winner will be determined as the one that presents a fully changed child with all of the press studs of a Bonds Wondersuit done up in the correct order in the shortest period of time.

Of course, no Olympics would be complete without a Closing Ceremony but the Parenting Olympics would sadly be devoid of fancy rock bands and/or comedy sketches by brilliant comedians.

Instead, the parade would be full of children attempting to break away from their parents while refusing to eat the perfectly good meal they’ve just prepared for them and vomiting in excitement inside the stadium.

This would be followed shortly after by all of the adult participants taking part in synchronised alcohol consumption.

Tell me, what’s a Parenting Olympic event you think you are sure you could win gold in?

This post was originally published on iVillage and is republished here with full permission.