If you’re a parent, you’ll know this already. If you’re not a parent yet, this is useful to heed. There’s truckloads of parenting information out there. Some of it’s useful, and some of it’s not. The problem is deciphering which is which. Particularly when clear, reasonable decision making – something you could have done easily in your pre-parenting life – is hampered by hormones. And only three hours of sleep.
The real problem isn’t a lack of information. It’s that parenting information is often contradictory and confusing. Plus, with so much parenting info, it can seem to suggest that there’s a ‘right’ way to raise kids. But there isn’t. We’re all different, and we all need to find our own way.
Raising kids is a confidence game. When you’re confident, you can sift through all the parenting information and choose what’s right for your family. But what happens when you experience parenting info overload?
Here’s my suggestion: Write your own parent manifesto.
Confidence comes from raising your kids according to your own beliefs and values. So first you need to identify what those beliefs and values are, and then you need a way to remind yourself of these beliefs and values so you can live them. Hence a manifesto.
Based on my own experience, I created five declarations that I want to live by as a parent.
1. My children transform me. They test and force me to become a better person. I’m up for the challenge.
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Top Comments
I've been mulling over this article for a few days. I feel like I completely agree with the general sentiment, although I can definitely 'nit-pick' certain key points.
It's probably just a matter of my personality, but I am a very analytically-minded, scientifically inclined person. I tend to like to reach my own conclusions about 'good' and 'bad' ideas in my own parenting choices, and to ensure that the ideas I decide are 'good' ideas are based on sound reasoning, evidence and logic. My own education and personality means I am inclined to approach just about everything as a 'science', and my parenting is no exception. So to me, parenting is both science and art. Also, during my teaching degree, it was pointed out to us a fair bit that teaching is both a 'subtle science' and an 'exact art' (yes, deliberately apparently back-to-front), and our study units crossed this spectrum accordingly. Since I see a lot of similarities (and differences!) between teaching and parenting, I'm satisfied that parenting can be considered both an art and a science. And yes, it has definitely challenged my capacities for flexibility, creativity and empathy!
However, I acknowledge that my personality is a huge part of the reason I think this way. I would never expect someone else to parent on the same basis, if they're not so inclined.
Also, I kind of object to the bit where she talks about it *not* being about raising successful kids, but instead, it's about raising kids that use and develop their gifts, enjoy satisfying work (and satisfaction in all of their life), and are resilient.
I was raised to understand that that *is* success! I mean, what are others saying is success? Money? Letters after your name? Yes, it makes life easier to earn enough to live contentedly within your means - and the reason many people don't is because they yearn after too much, not because they don't earn enough, IMO. And yes, I'm certainly not going to dispute the value of academic qualifications. I spent 6 and a half years in full-time tertiary study myself! And loved it! But that's because I am that way inclined, and I can thrive through study, and gaining qualifications. Others thrive through self-employment, apprenticeships, etc. And there's also the fact that I regard the last few years as a SAHM as quite a steep learning curve, in much the same way my uni years were. Challenging, thought-provoking... and generally successful. Not 100%, and not by every yard-stick out there - but to my own satisfaction.
When I read information that is given to parents - the kind of information that Jodie worries undermines parents' confidence - I find myself doing the same thing I do with any advice, opinion piece or research article. Assessing it for myself, taking in what I agree with, ditching anything that's inadequate, poorly-supported, or completely against my existing beliefs and values (the one exception being if my own beliefs had poor foundations, and the reasoning and evidence for change is outstanding). So although I read *heaps*, I have never found my confidence to be undermined. I find I just need to be prepared to say, "Oh *really*?!" or "Here we go, the pendulum's swinging back again...". Or alternatively, "Yep, makes sense, fits well with x, y and z (what I already thought)", or "No way! That completely contradicts (basic values & beliefs that are the foundation of your parenting)" IMO, the reason these things undermine our confidence may well be because we *let* them. Or because we confuse confidence with stubbornness. I'm prepared to change *if* I'm convinced it's worth it. If not, then why should I bother with all the fuss?
But as I said, I definitely agree with the general idea that looking after our kids means being confident and well-adjusted ourselves, and that confdence and following instincts is a better guide than an arbitrary rule-book, which probably won't fit the particular parents or children.
afd, Thanks for your really thoughtful reply! I agree that raising kids is part art and science. I've written about that before. And I also agree that we can 'let' other approaches undermine our confidence. But as you say, if you know your values and beliefs, you can stand by them and reject what's not appropriate. That's the fundamental idea behind the Parent Manifesto. It is fantastic that you know and accept your values and beliefs - but also question them when necessary.
As for success - it may not be something that you would put in your manifesto but for me, it's about rejecting the superficial trappings of so-called success (e.g. money) and discovering what is much more important.
I'd love to know what you'd put in your manifesto! Cheers, Jodie.
wow, i need to take a page out of your manifesto...