parents

'I'm not sure why Ken doll has no Willy' and 9 other things I never thought I'd say before having kids.

Natasha Lester

By NATASHA LESTER

In fact, this is a list of 10 things I never thought I would hear anyone say. Until I became a parent and realised that parenting is all about having weird and wonderful conversations with your children. So here are 10 of my personal favourites; unbelievably, these are all things I have said to my kids at some time over the last six and a half years.

1. The song is actually called Hark the Herald Angels Sing, not Hark the Hairy Angels Sing.

2. Perhaps tomorrow night I’ll just feed crayons to you as you seem to like them so much better than normal food.

3. Just what I’ve always wanted. A snail shell for my birthday. How thoughtful.

4. I’m not sure why your Ken doll doesn’t have a willy. Perhaps he’s wearing plastic underpants and he has a willy underneath those?

“They’re not earplugs darling. They’re called tampons.”

5. It might be hard to be Cinderella when you grow up. I think that position is already taken.

6. No, they’re not earplugs darling. They’re called tampons. Best we take them out of your ears now.

7. Yes, that bottle of yellow nail polish is lovely, I just don’t have enough money to buy any for myself today.

8. Please take your fork out of your eye.

9. I would love to wear the pasta necklace you made for me when I go out to dinner tonight but I accidentally broke it.

10. No, if you step off the ledge you won’t bounce. Balls bounce. Little boys just break.

Natasha divides her time between writing novels and playing make-believe with her three children. Her daughter is now out of her cast – hopefully for good! Natasha’s latest novel, If I Should Lose You, is – unsurprisingly – about motherhood but also – more surprisingly – about organ donation.

What about you? What absolute treasures have sprung from your mouth all in the name of parenting?

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