Dear waiters: Please, for the love of GOD, write my order down.

Hello, restaurant and cafe waiters. I have a bone to pick with you.

You see, I am sick of ordering two hashbrowns with my eggs benny, only to receive one.

I am tired of requesting a soy latte, only to get a skinny capp.

I refuse to ask for another burger sans pickles, only for it to arrive with extra pickles.

What the JEFF is up with your insistence on trying to remember my order with your noggin’, only to walk away, and forget it like Julie Snook forgot to put on that bloody jacket?

You trying to "remember" my order in your head, while impressive and bizarre, is really not required. This is not a memory test. It is not a quiz, or a contest. It's not even fancy, or superior.

Basically, you're all giving me anxiety, and it's entirely, 1061 per cent your fault.

You know a good way to remember stuff?

You write it down. With a pen... On paper.

So simple! So easy! So effective.

If that isn't deemed ~upper class~ by restaurateur standards, I'm happy for you to write it down on wedding invitation paper, with a gold encrusted pen.  I'm happy for you to freakin' jot it down in the notes section on your iPhone. I'm happy for you to graffiti it in permanent marker across my forehead.

Do ANYTHING. As long as you get it right.

Because I swear, the next time I see you rock up to my table with nothing more than "I'm going to forget what you say as soon as you say it!" grin, my eye will develop an uncontrollable twitch, and I will cause an almighty scene. A scene that no cafe in Australia wants to see.

I can't bloody take this anymore.

Just write my order down, God dammit.

WRITE.

MY ORDER.

DOWN.