by KATE LEAVER
Perhaps you’ve heard the news. One Direction has moved their 2013 Australian tour from September to October. October. October! When next year’s HSC and VCE exams are scheduled.
Distraught teenagers have taken to twitter to voice their panic. Just a sample of their tweets:
‘OzLovesID’, said: “Did you even think how many lives you’ve ruined as its [sic] during the HSC and VCE exams?!”
@heavenlyharries tweeted: “Two whole years come down to 5 exams. If 1D come and therefore distract us. WHAT IF WE FAIL? No uni, no future.”
Don’t go thinking this disaster ends in a few heartbroken tweets. This concert-education clash has the potential to unhinge thousands of young women. This disaster is, like, a number 10 on the totes devo scale.
Try to imagine the mindset of the average 1D fan. There are few things more precarious than teenage self-esteem. Pop music is an escape, screaming outside concerts is a cherished hobby, and adoring a boy band might be the first evidence of your adolescent sexuality. Teenagers are entitled to their angst – and it’s just like our own, but more raw.
I’ve devised a simple formula for grown-ups to empathize with this 1D disaster.
Just take 1) something you’re looking forward to more than anything, ever and then 2) something you dread but perceive to be enormously significant, that will possibly determine your future.
Put 1) and 2) on the same day in your 2013 calendar, and feel that internal mayhem.
Awesome event x horrendous life-changer = HYSTERIA.
Your wedding day x laser eye surgery = HYSTERIA.
A career-defining meeting x desperately important doctor’s appointment = HYSTERIA.
A rare night out with girls to a Kylie concert x your child’s graduation = HYSTERIA.
It hurts me to imagine this scenario, but I’ll take you through it for your sake as much as mine. Say that I’ve secured an interview with my celebrity hero/crush Jennifer Lawrence, and I’m all set. I’ve been practicing my archery skills, I’ve got all my question ready, I’ve chosen my outfit. It’ll be a career-defining interview. The timing of this interview is perfect because – ah! – the next month, I’m going into surgery.