lifestyle

'My Nutribullet tried to kill me.'

We all knew this day was coming.

As per Blade Runner, The Terminator and everything involving Will Smith; we already knew killer robots are officially on the list of ‘things to worry about in the future’, along with the discontinuation of Sriracha and bunions. We fully expected our beloved, genius inventions to, at some point, turn on their human masters and become murderous monsters.

But did we know that day would be so soon?

Well, folks, first cab off the rank in 2015 to be filed under ‘Murderous Technology’ is...the Nutribullet.

A real-life depiction of the enemy.

I first learned about the Nutribullet’s villainous nature when my friend Jaimie (sorry for not giving you a fake name, Jaimie) exploded hers in spectacular fashion a few weeks back.

There was pumpkin soup for days, strewn across her kitchen, up the walls, down the walls, across the walls, IN THE WALLS… and sitting smugly among the disaster was the Nutribullet, looking all slick and modern and innocent like: “What, this? Wasn’t me.”

Jaimie’s Nutribullet vs Pumpkin Soup disaster.

Not long after Jaimie’s kitchen disaster, I had my own life challenged by a Nutribullet. My Nutribullet. My maker of a thousand green smoothies, my old confidente of Wednesday night cheeky margaritas. My blender, my shaker, my 21st century kitchen friend betrayed my trust and, well, tried to kill me.

Potentially inspired by Jaimie’s soup blending strategy, I poured my own heart and soul (read: tomato soup) into the Nutribullet and had but a brief pause as I considered “Is this dangerous?” But, just like the time I broke my arm by playing Human Cannonball against a trampoline propped vertically on a concrete wall, the answer was “Heck no! Live a little! What’s the worst that could happen?”

A boiling hot soup explosion, that’s what. As the blades began to whir and my hand slow-motion grasped for the lid, searing hot soup begun to splurt in majestic arcs across my kitchen.

Horrified, the first thing that came to my mind was my mother’s face and a wagging finger and that good old line – “I told you so.”

As it turns out, however, Jaimie and I actually got off pretty lightly. In recent months there have been numerous stories about Nutribullet and other blender disasters, some of which had very real, and very dangerous results.

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London woman Tysha Stapleton, 24, has suffered extreme burns to her face and body after her Nutribullet exploded in her face when it overheated.

Tysha Stapleton, 24, after her Nutribullet exploded.

“I thought I was blind,” said Tysha.

“My skin was melting off my face.” Despite the doctor’s best efforts, Tysha will have the scars for the rest of her life.

Tysha’s exploded Nutribullet.

Equally horrifying but slightly more confusing was the case of Dion Chilton, of Kent, whose plastic protein shaker also cracked and burst, releasing boiling hot water (being shaken to sterilize the cup) all over Dion’s face and chest.

Lucky for Dion, his brother found him straight away and rushed him to the hospital, preventing permanent damage.

Dion Chilton.

Kitchen accidents on a large scale often work on a steady X/Y axis, with an increase in danger generally corresponding to a direct increase in hilarity. Charcoal burned roast beef at your first ever dinner party? Sort of funny. Plastic bag of fairy floss catching alight and melting to your pants? F*cking hilarious. But boiling hot containers exploding in your face and causing third degree burns? NOT FUNNY AT ALL, FOLKS.

Nutribullet have launched an investigation, but have reserved any comment until it’s complete – they did, however, note that they “…ensure the very highest quality standards are adhered to.”

So, in lieu of a big fat red sticker sitting across the front of your Nutribullet, blender, or plastic protein shaker; let me issue you this warning. DON’T BLEND BOILING HOT FLUID. Use a stick blender. Cool it down first. Learn to like chunky soup. But whatever you do, don’t be the next person to fall victim to killer kitchenware.

Long live the Humans.

Do you own a NutriBullet? Have you blended any soups lately?

Want more?

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Please stop inviting me to your Thermomix parties. I don’t want your crap.

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