Here’s what Hugh Hefner received for his 82nd birthday this year: one bottom, one pair of breasts, one vagina and one naked Pamela Anderson. The first three gifts were made of chocolate. Pammy was not chocolate although she was carrying a chocolate birthday cake. Thoughtfully, she also threw in a nude lap dance for Grandpa Playboy who has put her in his magazine 13 times.
So how did your birthday festivities compare to all that? Mine, not so well but more about that later. I have more to tell you about Hef’s birthday gifts.
The genius chocolate body part idea was born when his ‘girlfriends’, Holly, Bridget and Kendra each decided to have their best feature re-created for Hef in chocolate. Can you believe none of them gave him a chocolate brain?
“My best physical feature is my vagina,” drawled Holly earnestly to the camera, there to capture it all for their reality show, “and it’s probably Hef’s favourite so I just feel my vagina should be preserved in chocolate.” We all feel that way, Holly. We do.
Next up was Kendra. “I moulded my ass, so I could call it a ‘chocolate starfish’” she explained. “It was white chocolate, and I put a dark chocolate little thing in the middle.”
Rounding up the trinity of choc-bits, Bridget reasoned to the others: “If you’re going to do your butt and you’re going to do your vagina, maybe I should do my boobs”. And she did.
In an astonishing stroke of luck, the visit to the chocolate shop and Hef’s birthday party co-incided with the season five US premiere of their reality show The Girls Next Door. I found the clip on youtube last week and it made my weekend.
I’m not even kidding. Because the show focuses on the girls-just-wanna-have-fun antics at the Playboy mansion, it’s far less sleazy than your average episode of Video Hits. This is also due to the sexually benign presence of a grandad wandering around in his pyjamas looking like a happily displaced patient in a nursing home. That would be Hef.
Pyjamas or not, you have to admit the guy knows how to celebrate his birthday – even if eating a chocolate starfish with Pamela Anderson perched nude on your lap is not your thing personally.
My birthday this year was a wee bit different to Hef’s. There was less nudity for one thing. There was much less chocolate and absolutely no starfish. I did have a birthday cake, although it was carried by my children instead of Pamela Anderson. And it was only a cake in the very loose sense of the word (almost as loose as the description of Holly, Bridgette and Kendra as Hef’s ‘girlfriends’).