I’m sitting here trying to work out the best way to put this – because there is no right way. There’s certainly no good way. It’s not something I want to say, but if I’m honest with myself I’ll say it.
I’m not attracted to my wife.
It’s not the sort of thing you can share with people generally, is it? I know I can’t, because I’d feel disloyal. I’d feel like I’m belittling my wife and that’s the last thing I want to do. And it’s not what she deserves. She’s a good woman. A wonderful woman. A much better person than me.
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But I’m not attracted to her. I love her smile, her nature, her personality, her warmth and wisdom. But I’m starting to think I love her like a sibling – and that’s a horrible place to be. Yes, you’re right – especially for her.
Maybe if we’d been married for 20 years or so it would feel more understandable and acceptable, but we only got married five years ago and we’re both in our late 30s/early 40s.
I know the reason why I’m not attracted to my wife and there’s no good way of saying this either.
My wife got fat.
I look at my wife and I can’t see past the double chin. I want to see past the double chin – Lord knows I have tried to see past the double chin, but it’s like a mark on a clean shirt; once you see it, you can’t ignore it. It’s there.
In the past three years my wife has gone from a size 10/12 to a size 18, and there is no U-turn in sight. Yes, there are reasons for it. No one chooses to get fat. But by now the original reasons seem to have dissipated. It’s now a chicken-and-egg situation – my wife got fat because she started to drink. And she started to drink because she was unhappy. And now she’s unhappy because she’s fat.
I’m not blameless in all of this. I’m sure I’ve contributed to her unhappiness, but most of her unhappiness has been related to external forces. Work, family, friends – it hasn’t been easy.
But at what point do you look at yourself and say ‘I’m fat and I’m going to change it’? Actually, not say you’re going to change it, actually change it. Start to change it and stick with the program.