People who refuse to use iPhones: What are you trying to prove?

You know how most people are easy to talk to? Or, at least, easy enough?

At a pinch, you can talk about the weather. Your kids. Their kids. African kids. Whatever the topic, you can maintain a conversation with these people during that awkward elevator ride without things getting too awkward.

These people are easy going. Adaptable. And they know the ingredients to whip up a nice batch of small talk. I can tell them about how cute my cat is, nod and smile while they tell me about theirs, and then move our separate ways. It’s a symbiotic relationship.

But when I really think about this type of person – the easy-to-get-along-with-and-not-at-all-awkward soul – they all seem to share one common asset: an iPhone.

Think about the one person in your life that doesn’t own an iPhone. We all have one. The person who doesn’t have one is a very different breed of human being…

They probably wear glasses. And they’re somewhat harder to talk to than their iPhone-wielding counterparts. Stuck in a lift with one of these folks? Expect stinted conversation, with a dabble of awkward silences. Then you’ll both try to break the awkward silence at once. Then you’ll both stop and say “No it’s fine you go”. Then you’ll wish you never held the lift for them.

Listen: There’s a new iPhone on the way, for all you early adopters. But there’s no home button. And it’s all glass. Oh, and it’s $2000. Post continues after audio.

In terms of technology, us iPhone owners are happy to go with the flow. We follow the pack. We have no issue owning the same phone as everyone else in the world, and are content to adopt the latest model of iPhone that Apple swings our way. We are sheeple. Baa.

Non-iPhone users? Not so much. It’s not just that they don’t own an iPhone… it’s that they REFUSE to own one. AND WANT TO TELL US WHY.

“This phone is just so much smarter than an iPhone, you know? Like it’s much more intricate and like, you know, better.”

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No. More intricate does not equal better. I do not care that your phone warps thrice the amount of gigarams as mine.

We buy iPhones because they’re easy to use. Plain and simple. They’re basically designed with the most technologically inept humans in mind. A goat could probably pickup an iPhone and browse Safari. All the apps have big pictures and clear writing and there are TWO buttons on the entire phone. TWO. And one of them is the on/off button. The user interface (the screen with all the apps on it) is mind-bogglingly simple. Every single function of the phone is accessed through an app. And all the apps that you really need to work the phone come pre-installed. Nothing more. Nothing less. The key to the iPhone is WHAT IT DOESN’T HAVE. All the settings and apps and features that we don’t need AREN’T EVEN THERE. Whereas the Galaxy has settings to change the pitch and vibe and treble and bass of the phone’s sound, iPhone has that all synthesised into one button called ‘volume’.

And you better believe that all those non-iPhone owners LOVE to fiddle with the pitch and treble. And even more than that? They love to TELL US about how they fiddle with the pitch and treble:

“Don’t you get annoyed when you’re on a call and it’s just waaay too treble-heavy?”

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No. I get annoyed when it’s soft. So I turn it up. Please stop talking down to me because I settled for one sound control instead of twelve.

Have you ever asked a non-iPhone user to take a photo of you? On your iPhone?

“This camera is SO much worse than my phone. How many megapixels does it have?”

“Um. I don’t know. The camera works and that’s all…”

“OMG you can’t even specify the focal length and exposure on this thing. This is soooo basic.”

Hey um non-iPhone users: why are you so proud of how complicated your phone is? And you CANNOT expect us normals iPhone users to be able to operate your gear willy-nilly. Please do not ask us to take a photo on your phone. We literally cannot...

"HOW DO I TURN OFF FLASH AND SHIT I DELETED YOUR CAMERA APP AND TEXTED A PHOTO TO ONE OF YOUR CONTACTS."

"Calm down. It’s okay. Which contact?"

"DARREN THE PLUMBER."

"What photo did you send him?"

"A PHOTO OF YOUR DINNER FROM LAST NIGHT."

"Okay. Put the phone down, slowly."

"IT’S VIBRATING SOMEONE'S CALLING."

"That’s fine. Decline the call."

"I’VE ANSWERED THE CALL."

"Who is it?"

"IT SAYS 00:03."

That’s the call ti-

"OH I THINK THAT’S THE CALL TIME."

So non-iPhone users? I really don't care how clever your phone is. I'm sure you are a fantastic human being and are extremely clever to be operating such an elaborate piece of machinery. But please stop telling me about it. I don't need to hear how simple my iPhone is. I don't understand what you're trying to prove. And I don't care how many hyper-bytes your phone can swangle. Or whatever.