By ROSIE WATERLAND

Are you nomophobic? Or are you living with one?

A recent study in the UK has revealed that 53% of mobile phone users get anxiety if they run out of battery or have no network coverage, so the scientists involved coined the clever term ‘nomophobia’ (no-mobile-phone-phobia… Get it? ZING!) to describe the desperados who can’t go five minutes without a working phone.

We’ve developed a handy list to help you identify whether you, or anyone you may know, is a nomophobe:

1. They have a sixth sense… For network coverage.

If you know a nomophobe, it’s not unusual to see the following: They are walking pleasantly down the street. All of a sudden, they stop dead in their tracks. They slowly look around. They sniff the air. They look as if they may be having some kind of spiritual connection with nature.

Then fear creeps across their face. They turn to you – slowly, dramatically – and with complete sincerity and impending doom they say: “There’s no network coverage here.”

2. They are constantly jonesing for a cord fix.

“Who has a charger cord? Do have a charger cord? Anybody know where I can get a charger cord? Can I borrow that cord? I swear it’s just for five minutes, I swear. Does that cord fit my phone? Will that slot into my laptop? That’s a damn fine cord, where do I get me one of those? I’ll give you ten bucks for that cord. Okay, 15. JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING CORD.”

3. They have super-human vision. But only when looking for power outlets.

The nomophobe could be legally blind but still able to spot a power outlet from 50 metres away. They can also walk into a room and know within 0.35 seconds where every powerpoint in the room is located and whether they could fit a charger in there.

4. They have a seventh sense… For battery percentages

They can feel it in the very core of their being. The dread starts to flutter in the pit of their stomach: Their battery is getting low. Someone could offer the nomohobe a thousand bucks to use their phone when it’s below 10% and they’d refuse. And watching a video? DON’T EVEN.

People with this seventh sense also seem to be part of a strange phenomenon in which the amount of times one needs to check one’s phone gets higher as the battery gets lower. It can’t be explained by logic or reason. It’s just an involuntary need. Many nomophobes have likened it to that thing called ‘breathing’.

5. They know more about power-charging technology than they do about themselves.

Phone case charger. Solar-powered charger. Bicycle-powered charger. Sweat-powered charger. The nomophobe can tell you every source of charging power that ever has been and ever will be invented.

The nomophobe knows more about the status of phone-power inventions than they do about their chosen profession. They couldn’t tell you who Hillary Clinton is but… Need to know about that new phone that charges via rain water? Sit down – this will take a while.

6. They have developed stealth phone checking skills.

Not meant to look at your phone on a plane or in the movies? What is this, MEDIEVAL TIMES? The concept of not looking at one’s phone is ridiculous and offensive to the nomophobe.

Thus, they’ve developed some pretty stealth skills so that they may continue to be at one with their love even when ‘rules’ say they can’t be.

A nomophobe can turn around to sneeze and check 2 hours worth of twitter feed. They can write an entire work email while rifling their bag for gum. And never trust a nomophobe who says they need to use the ‘bathroom’. That is code for ‘read an entire news website while on the toilet.’

7. They won’t go anywhere new.

At least not until they’ve done some serious, Russian-spy level digging into the logistics of said ‘new’ place.

When you turn up to a new restaurant with a nomophobe, guaranteed they have already scoped:

a) the powerpoint situation

b) the network coverage

c) what sort of phone and charger every staff member has on hand

And if all else fails, they will have a car-charger in their bag to use in the taxi on the way home, whether the driver likes it or not.

Do you have nomophobia?

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