Before I became a parent, I had a few relatively close friends who began starting families, and after the birth of their little ones, I never really saw them again. I tried calling periodically, and would offer up the same sort of date idea we used to do together, usually coffees or lunch dates. Usually the offer was rejected and after a few attempts to stay connected, I got pissed and gave up.
I remember thinking, What assholes. Don’t they give a shit about their friends anymore? I mean, I understood they were busy, and of course family comes first, but I hardly ever saw them again. It seemed ridiculous.
A few years later, I had a child of my own, and while I make a concerted effort to schedule in time with friends, I’m sure there are some people out there who now think this about me. Possibly even some of my own family.
So for the non-parents out there who think I’ve turned into an asshole, here are my excuses.
1. The kid’s schedule is more important than one would think.
Turns out kids need to eat, drink, move, sleep and poop. Every damn day of the year. And for the most part, it really DOES make a difference when and where these events occur.
No parent wants to deal with a kid who is dehydrated, has low blood sugar, is exhausted, or has shit his or her pants.
I’m quite sure none of our friends want to deal with these scenarios either. This means that the noon lunch dates, or 4pm coffee dates or going out to dinner at any time is really, really hard to swing. Yes, sometimes we can do it, but when we do, we are pushing it, so we tend to save up these moments for holidays, vacations or other special occasions.
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All this is pretty much true, at least to some extent, depending on individual circumstances, numbers and ages of children etcetera. What isn't mentioned is how one's friends with children also feed into the issue... through the general one-upmanship / reverse bragging that happens. I remember once telling a friend how excited and nervous I was to be going away for a weekend with my husband, leaving my then 10 month old first child with his granny (we were staying with her at the time, and had been for a while, so effectively we were leaving him at his home). Well. The ''oh I would NEVER just ditch my child for a weekend away, each moment is so precious''... from the woman who works 7-7 through choice and whose children are raised by help... and of course, to her, weekend moments ARE precious, more so than to someone who is with their child most of the time generally. The point is, each set-up is different and because children are very schedule-driven, very few of us - as the writer so correctly points out - is willing to give an inch too often for fear of the sh&tstorm that will surely follow! As they get a bit bigger and more flexible it gets so much easier, but that first 1-2 years is TIRING and all-encompassing...
I can completely relate to this article!! 100% 1, 2, 3 , 4 ,7 and 8.
I had a friend say to me that they couldnt understand why i didn't go to more social things. I could feel them internally rolling their eyes at me when i said i had a baby and things are not as easy as they used to be.