See you 2013, and thanks for all the twerking! Now that we’ve read all the wrap stories (2013 in Instagram Photos; 2013 in JLaw gifs; 2013 in Beyonce Snapchats), it’s time to whip out the crystal ball and predict some of the newsiest news of 2014.
January 8. Beyonce uses SnapChat to release a secret, self-titled trilogy of movies that break all box office records.
January 20. Gay porn icon Brent Corrigan (winner of the 2009 Grabby Award for Best Bottom) signs on to film a hot gay porn series called “Dick Dynasty” – homoerotic revenge for anti-gay comments made by Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson.
February 11. In a surprise cabinet reshuffle, Prime Minister Tony Abbott appoints himself Minister for Gay Rights, Indigenous Affairs, Young People, Climate Change, and Open-Mindedness. Abbott eliminates superfluous portfolios like Finance and Foreign Affairs.
March 2. During the 86th Annual Academy Awards, Jennifer Aniston’s left side-boob gets its own Twitter account.
March 7. Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Company announce that, in partnership with Amazon, they will be facilitating the world’s first ice cream drone home-delivery system. Happiness levels reach an all-time high.
April 11. Kevin Rudd approaches Robert Pattinson to play the role of Kevin Rudd in a tele-movie tentatively called “The man who had to zip”.
April 17. Blue Ivy Carter releases her first secret, self-titled album, featuring raps by Jayden Smith.
May 22. English citizens wake to find posters of Russell Brand plastered on every pavement, telegraph poll, and notice board. Beneath his handsome face read the words “Revolution is here, bitches”. By lunchtime, Russell’s given up on challenging democracy and can be found ‘aving a pint on his own, listening to Katy Perry’s “Roar” on repeat.