See you 2013, and thanks for all the twerking! Now that we’ve read all the wrap stories (2013 in Instagram Photos; 2013 in JLaw gifs; 2013 in Beyonce Snapchats), it’s time to whip out the crystal ball and predict some of the newsiest news of 2014.
January 8. Beyonce uses SnapChat to release a secret, self-titled trilogy of movies that break all box office records.
January 20. Gay porn icon Brent Corrigan (winner of the 2009 Grabby Award for Best Bottom) signs on to film a hot gay porn series called “Dick Dynasty” – homoerotic revenge for anti-gay comments made by Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson.
February 11. In a surprise cabinet reshuffle, Prime Minister Tony Abbott appoints himself Minister for Gay Rights, Indigenous Affairs, Young People, Climate Change, and Open-Mindedness. Abbott eliminates superfluous portfolios like Finance and Foreign Affairs.
March 2. During the 86th Annual Academy Awards, Jennifer Aniston’s left side-boob gets its own Twitter account.
March 7. Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Company announce that, in partnership with Amazon, they will be facilitating the world’s first ice cream drone home-delivery system. Happiness levels reach an all-time high.
April 11. Kevin Rudd approaches Robert Pattinson to play the role of Kevin Rudd in a tele-movie tentatively called “The man who had to zip”.
April 17. Blue Ivy Carter releases her first secret, self-titled album, featuring raps by Jayden Smith.
May 22. English citizens wake to find posters of Russell Brand plastered on every pavement, telegraph poll, and notice board. Beneath his handsome face read the words “Revolution is here, bitches”. By lunchtime, Russell’s given up on challenging democracy and can be found ‘aving a pint on his own, listening to Katy Perry’s “Roar” on repeat.
June 14. Miley Cyrus is hospitalized with severe Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI) on her perpetually stuck-out tongue. Unable to sing, talk, or pash, she begins work on a surprise silent album.
July 5. A bill known as “The J Law” passes parliament, making it illegal to call someone fat in the media.
July 23. Kim Kardashian and her baby girl North West crash Prince George’s first birthday party in Buckingham Palace. Queen Elizabeth personally escorts them off the premises, and a bitter Twitter feud breaks out between Kanye and Prince Philip.
August 10. TODAY show co-host Karl Stefanovic’s hard-hitting interview with Shishi-maru the Angry Cat goes viral.
September 19. Inspired by the Scottish Independence Referendum in the UK, Clive Palmer launches a campaign to make Queensland independent from the rest of Australia. He makes his intentions public from the helm of Titanic II, with Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” performed by a hip hop crew of fully functional T-Rex dinosaurs.
There is surprisingly little objection from any of the other states.
October 2. Children’s entertainer Peppa Pig releases a tell-all memoir titled “Chauvinist Pigs: My life as a feminist warrior”. It becomes a bestseller, but cannot knock Pippa Middelton’s new self-help book “Captain Obvious” from the no. 1 spot.
November 3. Lara Bingle and Sam Worthington have an Instagram-themed wedding.
December 15. Sophie Mirabelle unsuccessfully tries to cancel Christmas.
What do you think will happen in news this year?