Through ups and downs and thick and thin, my childhood best friend Sarah and I continued our best-friendship well into our adulthood, until her sudden death from an aneurysm four years ago. I was bereft for many reasons but one was that having always had her in my life, I’d always had a best friend. She and I talked about every single aspect of our lives, including mothering, work, marriage, our shared childhoods, the loss of our parents (we’d known one another’s parents well), etc.
True, I’ve also had a very loving husband in my life, and he is definitely a wonderful “best friend.” But I met him as an adult, and he and I hadn’t shared our childhoods, and I missed that bond. Also, he is a decidedly male best friend, and I believed that I needed a female best friend in order to feel complete. I found myself longing for one, and whenever anyone casually mentioned to me that they did have a best friend, I felt envy.
I have a fair number of women friends, some of whom I'm very close with and love, and others to whom I'm less close but am much more than an acquaintance. Since Sarah died, whenever I got together with any of my friends, I would find myself assessing their best-friend potential, even though I would tell myself not to, and to simply enjoy them on their own terms. I told myself that this was schoolyard stuff. But I couldn't help myself. I was on the lookout.
Among my friends are three or four midlife moms like myself, with whom, nowadays, I mostly talk about mothering 'tweens. These mom friends and I have honest and deep conversations and we offer advice to one another, on how to get more sleep and how to deal with the feeling of being less needed as your child grows more independent. The strength of our friendship is in our shared motherhood. But I find myself always a little dissatisfied — I want the whole kit 'n' kaboodle, I want to be able to talk about everything and be understood instantly, the way I once had been.