By ROSIE WATERLAND
Some people relax by reading. Some relax by slinking into a hot bath. Others relax by making a cup of coffee or taking the kids to the park.
I tend to relax by watching trashy TV. Seriously. If you really want to check out and chill, trust me – trashy TV is the way to go. After a stressful week, there’s nothing like flopping down on the couch with a coffee and taking in the latest that the quality ‘reality’ genre has to offer. Heaven.
So you can imagine how I excited I was when I heard The Bachelor was coming to Australia. The. Bachelor. In fact, I was so excited, I decided to recap the first episode for you, in all its trashy and hilarious glory. And Episode 1 did not disappoint, with all the serious music and bitchy looks you could hope for.
Just as an FYI, you should know that the Monday Morning Coffee Catch Up is brought to you by Moccona. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.
We open with our Bachelor, Tim, doing some contemplative staring out at the horizon. This proves he’s good looking AND deep. Turns out he’s a 30-year-old chiropractor with a broken heart. That’s why he carries a briefcase and looks sad. He’s hoping to find true love by forcing 25 women to compete for his affection on national TV. Sounds like a flawless plan.
Andrew G Andrew Gunberg Osher Gunsberg (who has mastered… the art… of talking… like this…) welcomes B to the mansion with obligatory tacky décor then makes himself scarce so things can get underway. B tells Osher he has ‘dreams’ and ‘expectations’ etc etc etc.
The girls each get an opportunity to hobble down the red carpet towards their future husband in heels they can barely walk in but look fabulous. This gives B the chance to adequately decide how much he likes what is being presented to him.
Channel Ten has helpfully divided the girls into actual romantic possibilities, villains and weirdos by playing a certain kind of music as each step out of the limo. The pretty romantic girls get magical princess chimes, the villains get ominous-sounding piano and the weirdos get the equivalent of someone drunkenly blowing into the top of a bottle.
The girls the producers know are being sent home The boring girls get lumped together in one quick montage so we can quickly focus on the people we care about. They’ve also cleverly opened with the lawyer and finished with the doctor, in an attempt to hide the professional skater, flight attendant, three models and 15 event planners in between.
Highlights from the ladies’ editing packages include one woman who actually let the crew film her sitting in a park making daisy chains. Her and the doctor, because WHY IS SHE THERE?
All the girls are politely sizing up how best to take each other down (He’s so cute? OMG I know! I dressed to match the carpet! I’m sparkly! I don’t think she’s that hot. I want a boyfriend who’ll buy me lots of things words words etc etc).
Osher comes in and explains that… we’re about to… start a… cocktail party… 25 girls… 20 roses… Unclear on whether he’s having a stroke or not, he disappears back to his lair to allow B to judge which girls
look the best are right for him.