by MIA FREEDMAN
“You should be a financial planner,” suggested my husband this week as I explained how much money I’d saved by buying a new jacket. Yes, how much MONEY I SAVED BY BUYING A NEW JACKET. If you are struggling to understand that concept, you’re clearly not trying hard enough. Or you have a penis.
I have recently come to understand that the method by which I approach shopping is slightly unconventional. Others (male others) have been known to refer to it as ‘batshit crazy’. This seems harsh. I prefer to call it ‘Creative Shopping Logic”.
You see, in my head, there is a parallel economy where I can justify pretty much any purchase. I visit this happy place often. It’s peaceful and there are unicorns.
Men, not so much.
On the downside, my parallel economy can sometimes go a little bit Zimbabwe – around the time they decided the solution to their financial crisis was to print a lot more money. That didn’t work out so well for them but we won’t mention it again because it’s not in the spirit of deluded fantasia, which is mandatory when you’re justifying the purchase of gold glitter shoes.
Uncensored, here are some of the thoughts that pop into my head when I’m shopping:
“I haven’t had a parking fine in ages so this $240 dress is actually free!”
“These jeans are 40% off which means I have made a profit of $80. I’m practically rich. Now what should I spend that on?”
“There’s a $20 EFTPOS minimum and I’m only buying three boxes of Cruskits so this $10 worth of chocolate is essentially free (and as an added bonus contains no kilojoules).”
“I’m at the airport on my way to another city so therefore this imported copy of Vanity Fair for $15:95 is not that expensive.”
“If I was addicted to the pokies, I would be spending a fortune and have nothing to show for it so this $150 necklace is a bargain.”
“I’m going to park really carefully for the next few months and that means I have at least $180 worth of non-fines to spend for free in this shop right now.”
At this point, you’ll either be muttering “why did they give the crazy lady a newspaper column” or you’ll be nodding vigorously in solidarity and taking notes for the next time you’re tempted by ANOTHER pair of black ankle boots (yes I agree, they’re really flattering, they go with everything and you totally need them – just think about the parking fines you won’t get and take those black babies home – they’re free!).