This post contains spoilers. Do not read on unless you’ve seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones.
OK, you’ve been warned.
There are two things that appear in almost every episode of Game of Thrones.
Two things that, regardless of what is going on, will always pop up.
In fact, in the 51 episodes that have screened, they have appeared 122 times.
Those two things?
Here they are:
And here they are again:
Yep, a left boob and a right boob. They're there, every time.
But last night, Lefty and Righty looked a bit different.
THEY LOOKED LIKE THIS:
Yes, last night, in a dramatic final scene, it turns out that super-hot, perky-breasted Melisandre was actually the owner of two deflated, saggy boobs.
And it sent the internet insane:
Until now, all the knockers of Westeros have looked the same: Perky and somewhere between a B and a D cup.
There's a reason for that: It's biology, baby. Ever since we wandered out of Africa, human males have preferred a round, high, medium-sized boob with small but alert nipples. Like Goldilocks, Neanderthal man liked his boobs not too big and not too small.
And so Game of Thrones (and every other purveyor of titty titillation) has delivered us some perky paleo puppies.
It's perhaps not so surprising then that when Game of Thrones wanted to shock viewers last night, they didn't push a kid out the window, show a brother and sister having sex, have a main character beheaded, get one guy to cut off another guy's penis/hand, have a woman give birth to a murderous smoke monster, show the rape of a child, show a brother raping a sister, show a woman slit the throat of a child, show a child being set on fire (...yikes, why are we still watching this show?...).
Instead they did the most shocking thing that Game of Thrones could do: Divert viewers from the usual meal of two eggs, sunny side up, and replace it with two poached eggs served in a pair of beige knee-highs.
There are six different types of breast shape. Which are you? (Post continues after video.)
Last night's episode closed not with priestess Melisandre doing some sexy kung fu on Jon Snow's (sexy) corpse, but with Mel taking off her magic necklace and revealing that she is really an old woman. An old woman with hitherto unseen saggy boobs and the bathing suit bits of an octogenarian.
The scene was made possible through six hours of make-up and the magic of CGI, which merged the aged visage of Carice van Houten (who plays Melisandre) with the real body of a "very nice" 80-year old Irish woman (who hasn't been named).
So that's where we're at: After all the killing and the raping and the maiming, the one thing that we are truly shocked by is the naked body of a real woman.