"I regret giving up my career for my baby."

I know you’re not supposed to say this, but I just did.

I love my baby girl. I really do. Her 18-month-old face lights up my world (except at 2am).

But since I made the decision to not return to work and instead focus on being a “mum”, I’ve had this constant niggling.

Just before my 12-month maternity leave was up, I made the decision to not go back to work. I just couldn’t bare leaving my little girl in strangers hands all day. And I figured when it came to my career, I’d done that, been there, so maybe being a “mum” was a new, exciting challenge.

But ever since I made the decision, I secretly hate myself.

I think of all those years I spent at uni. All that study and hard work. The interning to meet the right people. The excelling in projects to impress the bosses. The late nights. I feel like I’ve just tossed all that to the side. What was the point?

Before I fell pregnant, I was sky-rocketing up that career ladder. I loved my job. I loved the people I worked with. I loved the company. And yes, I did choose to fall pregnant. I figured it was time, I didn’t want it to get “too late”.

But now, I look at the person who now has my job, and while I recommended her for it, I secretly wish that was me. While she is posting photos of fun company nights out, I’m discovering that I’ve been walking around with flower stickers on my bum all day.

And it’s not just the jealousy. I miss the company. I miss getting dressed in the morning and speaking to people who haven’t dealt with a child all day. Yes, I go out and have a coffee with my friends, but all we do is talk about kids and naps and routines and kids food. For once I wish someone would talk to me about current affairs. Career goals. Anything!

Quitting my job also means that my husband and I now have a very very traditional marriage. We used to contribute 50/50 to the finances. Now, he is the one who gets the money and I use the money to buy groceries and cook for him. I have no problem doing that, I feel it is my fair share, but for so much of my life I loved the whole independence, we-are-equal factor, and now I feel like I’m having the same relationship my parents have with each other.

I also sometimes look at my daughter and wonder what I’ve done TO her. My mum was a stay-at-home-mum and I always wished I had a role model working-mum who I could aspire to be like. Now, my daughter will think I did nothing with my life. She won’t look at me as a role model to be an independent, working woman. She’ll just see me as a woman who did nothing and just took care of the kids, laundry and dinner.

I’m hoping this feeling passes. I hope that I don’t always feel this way. And I have never told anyone I feel this way. I know they would just call me silly.

But I still wonder if I made the right choice.

Do you have any advice for this mum?

Want more? Try:

“And then there was the time I wanted to disown my kids…”

“There’s only one thing missing from my otherwise perfect family.”

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