'I just applied for MasterChef 2021, and there's no way I'm what they're... looking for.'

I am not a cook. I don’t know how to temper chocolate nor ‘break down’ a chicken, and I’ve never even been in the same room as a hibachi grill.

But applications for the 2021 season of MasterChef Australia are currently open, and in the interests of public service, err, journalism, I filled out the form so I could report back on what actual foodies can expect.

(Also in the hope that I make it through and experience a Melissa Leong pep-talk.)

There are 59 questions in total, including some rather probing ones about your criminal past (at first, I thought they might be looking for a gritty backstory, but it turns out they’re… not).

Here is a selection of some of the most crucial Qs, so you can prepare.

What is the highest level of education you received?

I know you mean bachelor’s degree but, in truth, it’s probably a Brené Brown TedTalk.

Tell us about your work history/current job: 

I’m a Senior Features Writer at Mamamia, although that position may be tenuous after I file this article.

What is your greatest ambition in life?

To make slightly too-long eye contact with Jock Zonfrillo over a steamy saucepan.

What do you think has been your greatest achievement in life so far?

Owning a Dyson.

How would someone who really knows you describe your BEST and WORST qualities? 

Best: I know exactly the right container for the volume of leftovers. Always.

Worst: Word-association karaoke. Think that Katy Perry episode, and you’ll know what I mean.

What personality traits annoy you about other people?

Using a fork like a shovel. Double-dipping. Metaphorical use of the word ‘journey’.

(You see why I couldn’t apply until now… *Cough.* George. *Cough.*)

What makes you stand out? Tell us something that will shock us/make us laugh/make us cry… 

1. Betty White is older than sliced bread.
2. Pete Evans.
3. Pete Evans.

Describe your relationship with food.

I literally couldn’t live without it.

Name your Top 5 international food idols:

1. Heston Blumenthal
2. Ben
3. And Jerry
4. That guy from Ready Steady Cook. The British version
5. Nigella

What is your food dream?

I’m being chased by Gordon Ramsay who’s shouting at me while pushing a giant wheel of gouda. Then, suddenly, I’m in the school playground and not wearing any pants.

If you could cook anywhere in the world where would it be, and why?

Idris Elba’s kitchen.

And what do you mean, why?

What are your least favourite foods and why? 

Even-slightly underripe bananas. If you need an explanation I can't help you.

How would you describe your style of cooking?

A last resort.

What are your cooking strengths? 

Making a toasted sandwich with tomato that only burns your tongue a little bit.

What’s your personality in the kitchen?

Reynold.

Ok, ok. Poh.

Is there any personal part of your life that could cause embarrassment to yourself, your family or MasterChef if made public? 

...No. Let's go with no.

If chosen to be on the program, is there any personal part of your life that you would prefer not to share on camera? 

Plenty. But I hope this being a 'family show', that wouldn't come up.

Are you prepared to be isolated from your family and friends for up to 7 months?

HA.

Feature image: Channel 10.