We open with Tracey deciding she will stay with Dean because to break up with him would be to let him off too easily and literally nothing about her decision makes sense.
Tracey is determined to make Dean feel the consequences of his actions, which so far include remaining with a girlfriend he has a) broken up with and b) cheated on, and where are the consequences tho.
It sounds more like the problematic reinforcement of unacceptable behaviour. But okay.
"You're a really good liar," Tracey says to Dean, and if you look closely enough, you can just see Dean gently smile and whisper, "Thanks... means a lot."
Dean, pls.
Tracey shrugs and says the ball is in his court, and this would all be very dramatic had THIS EXACT SCENE NOT HAPPENED LAST WEEK BETWEEN THESE EXACT PEOPLE.
Anywhooo, it's time for home visits, which seems somewhat anticlimactic given these couples have already lived together, met each other's families and gotten married.
But we are here for it because Ryan has finally had ENOUGH of Davina's SHIT.
He's clearly annoyed that at the commitment ceremony, he didn't get to reconsider his decision to stay in light of the very new information that his fake wife was planning on running off with another woman's fake husband. At this point, he doesn't really know what he's meant to... do... with her.
"I couldn't help how I felt," Davina explains to a man who does not at this moment care how Davina feels. "I wish I could of told you but I couldn't."
It's at this point that Ryan does our favourite thing people do when they're mad: He. Gets. Petty.
"Could have" he mutters and omg you did not just correct your fake wife's grammar while she was talking about her affair omg (we love it).
Davina looks at him like he's had a stroke and wonders why he's now just repeating the end of her sentences.
"I'm not going to not feel a certain way just because you don't like it," she concludes, and, we, well, we think that might be the very definition of marriage.
EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING TROY HAS A HOME AND WE WANT TO SEE IT.
LISTEN: We discuss Dean's deepest, darkest secret in our Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues below.
His apartment has things such as a bed and a kitchen and also a single tennis trophy, all of which he is very proud of.
Troy decides he will make Ashley lunch (?), so finds some mince in the fridge, which he puts in a pan with only mushrooms.
It is at this point that the producers stop giving Troy all context, simply placing a camera in front of him to record such meaningful monologues as, "Ah.. yeah.. yeah...um... yeah... yeah, relatively."
Cool.
Troy is broken and we enjoy it very much.
When the mince is "ready" it is grey in colour, and Troy pours cold pasta sauce on top of it. Halfway through cooking he realises that, no, he doesn't have any fettuccine, and instead they'll be eating pasta a'la Troy, otherwise known as pasta without pasta, or something precisely nobody wants to eat.
It's actually terrifying and does not look unlike brain.
We realise at this moment that Troy is the funniest person we hope never to meet and he doesn't even know it.
Oh GOD NO, he's taken Ashley to play tennis again and how does this man possibly own a tennis trophy but more importantly who did he steal it from.
They agree that the person who loses the tennis match has to give the other a massage, but everyone knows a massage from Troy is something no one wants.
Despite Troy telling the camera he "would thrash her," Ashley wins, and oh no.
Troy massages like he brushes his teeth. It's confronting, it's confusing, but also unnecessarily violent.
He narrates the entire massage which appears to be unrelaxing, and then begins to tap Ashley's neck for no conceivable reason.
Oh. It's millionaire Justin and no one wants your ice cream machines, least of all Carly.
He decides to take her to the 'global headquarters' of his... business... which seems like the sort of thing you force a kid to do when they fake sick and you want to make a point.
It's... we don't want to be mean but... it's the worst office we've ever seen.
Justin claims to have 500 employees but we think maybe he has none.
There are inspirational quotes everywhere which he insists on reading to Carly, such as: 'The devil whispered in my ear, 'You're not strong enough to withstand the storm. Today I whispered in the devil's ear, 'I am the storm,'" but a) how does this relate to ice cream machines and b) is the devil srsly whispering in ur ear coz that's an issue.
Speaking of issues, Dean is a skater boi and has decided Tracey needs to watch him do his hobby.
No one wants to watch Dean skateboard.
TELV AND SARAH ARE GOING TO ROTTNEST ISLAND AND YEAH THEY'RE GETTING PHOTOS WITH QUOKKAS. We're going to break the fourth wall for a moment because this is a photo we took of a quokka in Perth last week:
Sorry.
The producers try and make us nervous that Patrick's mum Ruby isn't going to like Charlene but everyone likes Charlene so that's... ridiculous.
But stop, pls.
Dean isn't only a skater boi. Dean is also a rapper. And his rapper name is Visionz.
Last night this show very much felt like an episode of Jerry Springer but now it's turned into 8 Mile and we don't know how that happened.
Dean has written a rap for Tracey and he's nervous because Tracey doesn't know he's a rapper and umm, are you really worried this will be the thing she judges you for?
All of a sudden they're at a weird... rap den and Tracey is wearing 'urban' clothing and so is Dean and someone is beat boxing and no. This isn't allowed.
It's embarrassing for everyone but most of all us.
Dean stares at his phone just before he starts the rap which inspires precisely no faith in his rapping abilities.
This is... this is the rap.
Hey-o Tracey,
My little lady,
You drive me crazy,
After last week on the couch,
Yo I know you probably hate me,
But you gave me a shot,
You're so hot,
Plus your brain is nek level, come on show me what you got,
We tied the knot,
At first sight, it's tight,
And when we get to talkin girl we stay up all night,
It's all right,
We're gonna make it thru...
No. That's enough now.
We're not. That doesn't deserve... attention.
Tracey asks the camera, "Who doesn't want a guy to make an effort like that?" and US. WE DON'T WANT VISIONZ.
Dean gives her the rapper name Cyclone Tracey and umm no that was a sad time and it killed 65 people and caused mass devastation. You can't... that's not your rapper name.
But pause.
We don't diss the ladies. We would... never.
But then... then this happened.
Are you... where are Tracey's toes.
ARE YOU A SOCK OR ARE YOU A SHOE YOU CANNOT BE BOTH.
You look like a foot with no toes. It's stressful.
Dean then invites Tracey to 'freestyle' and she says, "I'll give it a go, why not?" and no we can actually think of 265 reasons why not.
She does it anyway and why is this now a rap battle and we never agreed to write about rap battles so okay we're done bye.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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You can listen to the full episode of the Married at First Sight recap, here.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: Is this the biggest betrayal we’ve ever seen?
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: The forbidden date with a cruel twist.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The texting scandal breaking up two marriages.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: Davina just tried to steal someone’s husband.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: The most cringeworthy honeymoon we’ve ever seen.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: There’s a millionaire who’s in for a shock.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: The man who just stumped Australia.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "You make me feel sick."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: There is one VERY disappointed mother-in-law.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Tracey has a ‘secret’.
Top Comments
I’ve only been reading the recaps here, so I may be a little lost, but who the hell are Patrick and Charlene??? Have they been in it the whole time?
Yes, they have. They're not a couple they focus on too heavily though, because they clicked immediately at their wedding and haven't had any real conflicts. Patrick's mother is a piece of work but before this week, we hadn't seen her since the wedding.
Sean and Blair are the real invisible couple though. They were not in this episode at all.