Look. I’ll be honest with you. I am quietly devastated that Married at First Sight is over.
The tumultuous reality show has been an excellent distraction from the hum drum of my daily life. Scandal, romance, deceit – and time on the couch in my pink, fluffy dressing gown – this reality goldmine delivered the goods four nights a week.
Now the show has ended, thousands of Australians are undoubtedly feeling lost and hopeless. For the well-being of the community, I’ve compiled a handy guide to help you fill the Married at First Sight void in your life.
Conduct an experiment
Married at First Sight was at heart a show about “the experiment” – and being someone driven by the noble pursuit of knowledge, I relished the opportunity to participate in this astonishing scientific investigation.
At times, I was humbled by the contestants willingness to put their personal lives in the petri dish in the name of science.
Every episode, I donned my white lab coat (pink fluffy dressing gown) as we asked the big questions: Why does Tracey have a framed picture of Oprah in her home? Is Davina for real? And does what happens on boys’ night really stay in boys’ night?
In this post Stephen Hawking age, it’s vital we continue our quest for knowledge. Obviously, the best way to quench this thirst is to watch Bachelor in Paradise.
Join an online dating service
When news broke yesterday that Sarah and Telv were no longer together, it meant only one thing – love is dead.
Now your hopes and aspirations to find a soulmate are dashed, there’s no better time to download a dating app.
Tinder is perfect if you aspire to meet someone who has been to the tiger temple or perhaps Machu Picchu. Don’t worry if your date doesn’t work out – now our favourite couple has been torn asunder, all hope is lost.
Try to get a few free espresso martinis before you begin the slide into inevitable and ever lasting loneliness.
Should you ever date a friends ex? Post continues after audio.
Invest in oral hygiene
The real star of this season of Married at First Sight was Troy’s mouth, proving an investment in your teeth and gums is important in the glamorous world of television.
Whether he was brushing his teeth with reckless abandon or sticking his tongue down Carly’s throat, Troy’s gob has been at the forefront of the Australian entertainment media for three months.
Keep your mouth Instagram-ready by investing in an electric toothbrush and you too can have the smile of a Hollywood actor. Not that Troy is an actor. He’s definitely not an actor.
Move to India
The great news is that arranged marriages are still popular between young men and women in India.
Unfortunately, these marriages are not televised; so why not move to Delhi and befriend a single local?
With the rate of success of an Indian partnership being much higher than that of a couple on a reality TV show, your new friend may soon enter into a happy and fruitful arranged marriage that won’t disappoint you like Nasser did.
Still missing Married at First Sight? Applications for the next season are open now. Good luck finding your soulmate.
Alita Brydon is a love and relationships expert from Melbourne who loves to laugh. Creator of the cult ‘Bad Dates of Melbourne‘ Facebook Page, she loves to collect and tell dating stories.