We're calling it: this could be the most dramatic breakup in Married at First Sight history.

Look, last week was hectic. Perhaps… too hectic.

We’re used to manufactured drama on reality TV, not ACTUAL shit going down. So tonight, we have no idea what to expect.

Are Nicole and Keller over for good?

Does Bella have a UTI yet from all the sex she’s been having?

Do Monica and… OK, sorry, we literally have no questions for Monica and Mark.

We open on Michael and Bella, who are playing with those goddamn angel cards again. They clearly bought them when they tested them in the shop and the cards indicated they were soulmates.

This time, the couple draws ‘abundance’, and Michael says it means an abundance of awkward moments at the dinner party. Haha, yeah. There really were…

Meanwhile, Nicole is all of us when our partner is embarrassing AF.

EUGH, don't you hate it when your fake-husband of two weeks slut shames a person at the dinner table on NATIONAL TELEVISION. It's the worst.

"He said some pretty nasty things to Bella I think," Nicole reflects.

"He does act like a child sometimes, that's embarrassing."

Nicole. Let us tell you, we have BEEN THERE. One of us once had a boyfriend who got drunk at our family Christmas, so we attempted to lock him in a bedroom to avoid further embarrassment, but he kept escaping and drinking more beer. It was the worst.

From our understanding, we're pretty sure 80 per cent of married life is spent feeling embarrassed about the stuff your partner is doing.

Our parents' marriage is comprised mostly of:

a) Mum getting embarrassed because dad wears runners everywhere, and

b) Dad getting embarrassed because mum is always yelling at Optus.

Anyway, it's the morning after the red wedding dinner party, and Keller asks Nicole: "Are you OK?"

No, Keller. NO ONE IS OK.

But don't worry, guys, the experts think this is just an obstacle and that a really strong relationship will be able to deal with it.

The couple they are concerned about, however, is Monica and Mark, who are telling far too many jokes and not taking this 'experiment' nearly as seriously as they should.

You see, people in a truly healthy relationship do nothing but talk how they feel, how happy they are to be with each other, how lucky they were to find each other, etc. No joking allowed.

But now it's time for all the couples to leave the Blue Mountains, where they've been on a mini-vacay for the dinner party. Unfortunately, the clouds be brewin', and you know what that means - there's trouble in paradise.

Nicole and Keller enjoy a completely silent ride to the airport, where Nicole is no doubt on Instagram doing what we all do when we've had a fight with our partner - using the downtime to post pics so everyone knows how happy you are.

When they arrive home, they have a "quick chat" to work out whether Keller's dinner party behaviour is a deal breaker for Nicole. Keller says he "regrets" his actions, and "looking back on it, there are other ways I could have gone about that. I should've been more mature."

In a piece to camera, he says, "I thought I was protecting her, but she said she doesn't want to be protected."

DAYYYUM, GIRL.

Then he says some sweet things about how she makes him want to be a better person and how he can promise her it'll never happen again and... and... shit.

Who could reject his face? He looks so eager to please.

Along with the rest of Australia, Nicole accepts his apology, and believes him when he says it won't happen again.

Meanwhile, the experts have convinced Monica and Mark their relationship is flawed because they keep joking about hating each other (note: experts no comprehendo sarcasm). So now Monica is concerned that they never have serious conversations.

Listen: Do you want more TV talk? The Binge podcast has got you covered. Post continues below.

She attempts to get a straight answer from Mark about whether she's the sort of person he could see a future with.

It becomes very obvious why he resorts to sarcasm. All he can say is, "I like you, like more and more. Like more than any other relationship. I like you a lot. But like how do you feel? Like how do you feel? Like at this point."

Monica is clearly thinking, "How can one man use so many words to say absolutely nothing?"

Mark eloquently concludes, "I don't know where the future lies for us, you know, I don't know if the big words will come into play, but you know what, I am so happy being with you..." and therefore used 33 words to say precisely nothing.

Full disclosure, at this point we got a li'l bored because no one was breaking up and frankly there wasn't enough tension. So we stalked all the, er, contestants (? still don't know what to call them... participants?) on Instagram. Was actually fairly interesting.

Get your blue steels ready, flights booked, see you lovely ladies soon! #bluesteel #zoolander #9married #marriedatfirstsight #marriedau #bridesquad

A photo posted by Married At First Sight S3 (@nicoleheir) on Sep 9, 2016 at 8:30pm PDT

My people ❤ #love #married #marriedau #9married #tgif #marriedatfirstsightau #fridays

A photo posted by Mon Married At First Sight AU (@monicavanderkley) on Sep 8, 2016 at 9:14pm PDT

How very enlightening.

OH. Keller is still trying to make up for losing his sh*t at the dinner party, so he takes Nicole to the beach where they will paint portraits of one another.

Aww.

WAIT. WHAT...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Whhh... how?

Keller, mate. If this is your attempt at making amends, then God help you.

LOOK AT THESE EYEBROWS.

Real talk: If a man ever, ever painted a picture like this of either of us, we would never speak to him again.

Nicole then smiles and says, "I'm feeling really good about everything now..."

HOW. How, Nicole? What is HAPPENING?

And then she reveals her portrait of Keller...

Keller, still desperately trying to get back into Nicole's good books says, "That's really good!" to which she replies, "No it's not..."

Can confirm, Nicole, that is really not very good.

We now cross to Michael and Bella who are celebrating their three week anniversary. But there are problems. Because the experts feel they, too, are too busy having fun.

The producers clearly ask if Michael can please get Bella to "open up", so that they can at least have some B-roll of her crying for the previews.

And SUCCESS. Bella cries. But in her defence, so would we if Michael said any of those things to us.

He looks her in the eye and says, "I want to hear your stories", which is officially all we've ever wanted a dude to say to us.

"Because everything you do does matter, and everything you say matters," he continues.

HOLY SHIT. This is like porn, but for words. Honestly, if Michael doesn't at least get a high-end card range out of this, we will be appalled.

But WAIT. Stop everything. Because our favourite character ever from Married at First Sight has returned.

Keller's mum: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN all our lives??

She is being characteristically hilarious, and basically asking Nicole what the hell she is doing with Keller who has the maturity of an eight-year-old.

Keller's mum offers the profound insight: "I think this has been good for Keller because Nicole is a school teacher so is used to dealing with younger children."

She's genius.

It's not exactly clear why the couples are only meeting ONE set of in-laws, but hey, we've given up on thinking there's any logic/consistency to this show.

Next, Mark visits Monica's parents, and in classic Mark fashion he does something weird.

They play lawn bowls and he bowls with his left hand. But when Monica's mum asks him if he's left-handed, he says 'nup.' Even Monica's mum seems to have slightly forgotten about this couple.

Then Bella meets Michael's mum.

She wears a weird pink visor, but Michael's mum appears to still like her very much.

Back in Monica's home town, she and Mark have a legitimately deep and meaningful conversation and it's quite... nice.

Carrying on the romance, they head home, and Mark has a present for her. Oh God, Mark, just don't be weird mate. Just be normal for like, five minutes.

Awww... it's their wedding photos.

Monica says, "It definitely brought back a lot of memories from the wedding day." The wedding day that was, of course, less than THREE WEEKS AGO.

But just when we thought the drama was over, oh no. Jesus. Keller's gone out drinking with his friends from the Navy. It would appear... it would appear Keller got shitfaced.

He got drunk and got a tattoo.

Nicole wakes up to find a smashed glass, and she's (justifiably) very disappointed by his behaviour.

BUT WAIT. One of the experts would like to weigh in, and explain that "sometimes people self-sabotage in a relationship, either because they fear being hurt, or they fear scaring their partner away."

Are they... are they serious right now?

Keller made a promise to Nicole that he wouldn't behave like a dick again, then he went ahead and did it, and we're meant to feel sorry for him because he's self-sabotaging?

The expert continues, "When a person feels like they're not good enough, it's likely that they will sabotage a healthy relationship".

NOPE.

Out of all people... surely a psychologist would understand... that you can't just drink and damage things and lie... and... never mind.

Nicole tries to tell Keller that maybe he should stop drinking, to which the ever-mature Keller replies: "I'm a big boy. I know what I can do and what I can't do."

Here's a tip: If you need to say you're a big boy, you are definitely not a big boy.

Nicole tells one of the producers, "I don't know if this is something I can do."

She picks up her belongings and goes to stay with a friend, who presumably won't get drunk and come home with a tattoo they don't remember getting.

The next morning, Keller sits in a park and contemplates his decisions. He thinks maybe it wasn't such a good idea to get drunk and act like a dick... again.

"I've stuffed everything up and I'm not dealing with it very well," he says. "I'm just so embarrassed."

Mmm, yes.

"I just feel heartbroken at the moment, it sucks. Because I love that girl. She's the best thing to happen to me, ever."

We think that maybe Keller needs some (actual) help from a (real) psychologist, who maybe cares about his wellbeing and not TV ratings. But with one episode to go, we're not so sure that's anyone's priority.

Instead, we're looking forward to seeing the 'experts' try to demonise Nicole for not giving Keller another chance, while acting as though SARCASM is a major issue in otherwise happy relationships.

Our mum keeps insisting we are two different people. For more from us....

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