The Save Australia Day ad produced by Mark Latham is the best thing we’ve personally seen in 2018, and that is a sentence we simply never thought we’d write.
It’s one minute and 45 seconds of what a Year Nine English student would be introduced to as ‘satire’ but… it’s not. It’s for serious.
You can watch the ad, in full, above.
We begin with the very ominous question; “What if the Greens and Labor left get their way and abolish Australia Day on 26 January?” which is a) grammatically uncomfortable and b) not at all what’s happening. But none of that matters right now. What matters is that an innocent child has created a poster about Australia Day but HER HOUSE IS BUGGED BY THE STATE.
A mum sits on the lounge and reads a magazine which is frankly a scenario that has never taken place, and some little Aryan kid runs down the hallway yelling, “Mummy! Mummy!”
She proudly presents her Australia Day poster, which has clearly been made by an adult to look like a child’s work.
The camera zooms, and her very frazzled mother says, "Um... have you shown anyone else this darling?" while music of doom plays in the background.
Given she just ran from her bedroom with an artwork she just created, the mother's paranoia is... problematic.
Her daughter's eyes say, "Only to the scary man who lives in our hallway and tells The State all the naughty things we do..."
But alas, it appears she bypassed him (only just).
The mother stands in her kitchen, looking around suspiciously, before using the CONVENIENTLY PLACED SHREDDER to destroy her child's work for good.
Who... the f*ck... owns a shredder.
In this dystopian universe, a surveillance camera captures the woman destroying the evidence, because we all know that once we change the date of Australia Day, all basic privacy laws no longer exist, and cameras are installed in every room of every home in the country.
Next, a very lovely woman enters her local butcher and orders a simply absurd amount of meat.
She wants six kilos of sausages and three dozen lamb chops, and lady needs to chill out.
The butcher, (UNDERSTANDABLY) asks what the f*ck she's doing with enough meat to feed a small country, but lady freaks.
In the worst acting this nation has ever seen, she says, "Ah... no no. This is just for the weekend. I'll be going to work tomorrow like everybody else."
He looks like he, er, doesn't believe her, given that she is clearly lying.
But no. The ad tells us that it's because HE BE A SPY. For The State.
They both look at the camera - because obviously they're being watched in a butcher shop - and he says, "Well... have a good day at work then."
LISTEN: We discuss last year's Lamb ad on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.
But... but... then she takes what is clearly only a fraction of the meat she ordered, and hurries out of the shop WITHOUT PAYING FOR HER GOODS WHICH IS ACTUALLY A CRIME.
In the future, you don't have to pay for meat and we don't know why.
The next scene sees two white, older men, sitting outside what we assume to be a home, and one says to the other, "Happy Australia Day Jonesy!"
They cheers with lamingtons guiltily, before an evil carer (?) accusingly asks them, "TALKING ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS AGAIN WERE YOU?"
In the future, you see, we don't respect old people and they have to eat their lamingtons in secret.
As she walks away, the two men wave their Australian flags naughtily behind her back in an act of rebellion and what the hell is going on.
Following that ridiculous series of vignettes, Alice Springs Counsillor Jacinta Price, delivers a message about how changing the date of Australia Day doesn't change the lives of Indigenous Australians in remote communities.
Unlike the rest of this ad, what Price says is perhaps a true thing and resembles a reasonable and nuanced argument, which makes us realise:
There is no way Price had seen the first minute of that ad before she agreed to appear in it. No way.
Her message is completely inconsistent with the majority of the ad, which explicitly didn't care about Indigenous people and was based in a fictional Orwellian dystopia where the white people are spied on by God knows who when they're just trying to buy 25 kilos of sausages.
"We have to come together as a nation to solve these critical issues," Price says, and there is just no way she is on the same team as Mark Latham.
Price is right about needing to solve 'critical issues'. And we're sure she'd agree, shredding your daughter's drawing, being covertly watched in your local butcher and eating lamingtons in peace, are certainly not among them.