I was admiring Ben Quilty’s etchings of artist Margaret Olley, the sketches he did when he was preparing his winning portrait of her for the Archibald Prize, when I thought I’d better call my mother.
I’m not sure what it was that made me connect mum with Margaret. It could have been just the image of an old lady staring out at me from those intriguing prints. It may have been the knowledge that Quilty, a long time friend of Olley, would have visited her in her studio many times before she sat for him. That certainly made me feel mean with my own time.
In any case, duty or guilt called and my mother answered.
“I was beginning to wonder if you were still in the land of the living,” she quipped. She’s magnificent, my mother. She could have represented Australia in the Olympics of passive aggressive behaviour.
“Surprise. I’m still here,” I answered, marveling at how well the passive aggressive gene had carried through to me.
“What have you been up to?” I changed the subject.
“Oh, just the same old things. Nothing very interesting happens here.” Somehow, in between my last visit and this phone call I had failed to provide my mother with a life. My eye roll must have been audible because she straightened up.
“While I’ve got you on the phone, would you mind looking up something on the Internet for me?”
And so our conversation became just like most conversations we’d had in the last 10 years. Transactional. A series of tasks for me to deal with.
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My mum bought out a different side in me. Not always the best side, but a side she would love unconditionally. I didn't realise her love was unconditional until I had kids and know that no-one will ever love you as much as your mum. I'm happily married to a man that loves me to the moon and back. I have two gorgeous kids that idolise me. But when I mum passed away, I could feel the emptiness that she left. It was a realisation that there was no-one left on this earth that loves me more than her. (dad passed away 5 years before her). So I now tell my kids that they don't love me more than I love them (in a fun way) because I know a mother's love is irreplaceable. I love and miss my mum everyday! But Having my loving hubby and kids helps to replace a little bit of her love and I will love them forever unconditional ♥
I had a great relationship with my mum & dad until I turned 40 and then everything changed. We haven't spoken in over 9 years now and amongst all that my dad passed away. I went to his funeral but sat down the back, closure for me. It hasn't been easy and I have missed the relationship we did have. I have used the values that did mean something to me from them but the rest I don't touch. I try every day not to become my mother, not easy when you know you look like her!!!