In the last month, I have gained a handful of new friends and lost a lot of self-respect.
The reason? I have moved cities, houses and started a new job here at Mamamia.
This has meant trying my very hardest to hide my weird idiosyncrasies (the ones that my established friends have learned to
love accept) and try to reinvent myself as the cool, fun-loving friend everyone wants to have.
And because this whole experience has made me forget what shame is, I am here to share my attempts to make friends with the Internet – so that everyone can learn what not to do when embarking on a friend-making adventure.
Shameful Experience #1: Toilet Paper CEO
When I started my new job, I wanted to make sure I was helping out as much as possible. I decided this meant being Chief Executive Officer of Toilet Paper Monitoring. It happened after I was once asked to order some more toilet paper for the office. ‘Right,’ I thought, ‘this is your time to shine Dimity.’
I ordered 32 rolls online immediately. I also decided to buy some in store that day so as to avoid the potential threat of running out. After this, I went into the bathroom 4 times daily, not to use it, but to check there was always two rolls of toilet paper available when sitting on the toilet, and not just at arms-length, but directly next to the toilet.
I kept this up for two weeks. Two. Weeks.
Learning: No friends were gained from this experience.
Shameful Experience #2: Be agreeable. But not this agreeable.
Equally ineffective was when I believed friend-making was achieved through agreeing with everything a potential friend said.
Think constant nodding and everlasting affirmation of every opinion they’ve ever had.