The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 38: The groom who was stopped halfway through his vows.

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Look. We’re mad.

How did no one foresee the obvious issue between Martha and Michael earlier?

They live in different states and neither want to move and THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR WILL JOHN AIKEN EVER LEARN?

(No)

No one should have to be sacrificing their entire family/friends/career. It’s unnecessary. You can do all the fkn ‘science’ you like in your white coats with expert Trish yelling the word “PHEROMONES” but if you separate people a cheeky NINE HOUR DRIVE away from each other then there will be problems. And now we all have to deal with them. On a Monday night. 

Over in Ning and Mark's apartment, Ning is looking particularly sorry. For everything.

She thinks she probably should have been nicer to Mark and not have tried to leave (twice) and made fun of him about only owning one cup etc.

But then Mark starts singing a song jovially and she yells, "OK PLEASE STOP," and this is why there's tension in your relationship.

Both couples head home for the week to think about their final decision.

Ning finds that she misses Mark's banter and by 'banter' she means when he says something, and then she yells "SHUT UP MARK," before pushing him away from her. Physically.

Meanwhile, Mark has returned to his single cup and has decided to heat up some shitty frozen pasta.

Sir, your dinner looks awful.

His pasta appears to be made from... plastic... which is fine except it doesn't seem that nutritious.

It becomes increasingly clear why Mark doesn't need plates, and it has everything to do with the fact that he eats exclusively off plastic trays. Tbh it doesn't seem fantastic for the environment but we're not here to judge (yes we are).

Everyone's 'thinking' and 'weighing up their options' and 'speaking to their families' and WE JUST WANT THE DECISIONS DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

Over the next half an hour we learn a number of interesting things, including how boring it is to watch two people decide where to live.

Speaking to her mother, Martha says about Michael, "He's so nice... we don't know people like him," and no offence but... why.

Meanwhile, Michael's family are concerned that Martha doesn't want to move to Melbourne to be with him, especially given Michael has a mortgage and back up a moment. 

Michael has a fkn... mortgage?

He is 27 years old. And lives in Melbourne. Like Melbourne, Australia. 

This is the plot twist we were not expecting.

In Townsville, Ning's poor client just wants her hair done and Ning's all like, "WE HAVE NO MORE TIME SIMONE WHAT AM I GOING TO DO."

Ma'am. With all do respect, the lady just wanted a cut and colour.

"It's hard for Mark to penetrate those walls..." one of Ning's friends says quietly from the corner, before mumbling under her breath, "with his dick".

Excuse you.

IT'S THE FINAL VOWS AND WE REQUIRE FULL SILENCE TO CONCENTRATE.

Michael is walking towards a mountain peak saying tough things like, "She may not like or agree with a lot of what I have to say..." and "if that means the relationship doesn't work then so be it."

There's a lot of slow mo in a desperate attempt to fit their 90 minute time slot and we don't have anywhere else to be so seriously take your time.

Martha emerges from the shrubbery and walks in slow motion up the mountain in heels which doesn't feel especially dignified.

She tells Michael she's falling in love with him bla bla bla and are they gonna break up or not?

Michael explains the emotional and mental toll it took being with Martha and there's horror music and why does some part of us want to watch people break on television that's surely not healthy. 

But no one breaks because Michael CLICK-BAITED us and just tells Martha that he loves her and he's moving to Bondi.

Cool.

Now it's time for Ning and Mark and Ning is assuring us she's "much happier now" and Jesus really.

They meet outside a... barn... and despite borderline hating each other we desperately want their shitty relationship to work.

“I entered into the experiment because I thought I was hard to love," Ning begins and NING WE LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.

She tells Mark she wants to stay with him and now it's Mark's turn.

"I came here to find love," he says. "But I haven't found it with you."

Yeah, duh. No one cares what's the problem?

"Even though my feelings are strong, I don't see them being strong enough to survive after this experiment ends," he continues and oh, no. You didn't just do that to our darling but awfully complicated Ning.

He continues to explain how he doesn't want to force her to move but Ning has had enough and yells, "Just stop. This is bullshit."

POOR NING SHE JUST OPENED UP AND PUT HER WALLS DOWN AND WHY ARE WE NOW SPEAKING LIKE THIS.

She runs off to cry and Mark just watches her from the distance.

There's weird opera music and MARK RUN OVER AND TELL NING YOU DON'T LOVE HER BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU CAN STILL HANG OUT ETC.

But Mark doesn't. He just sits on a log looking sad and probably thinking about his single fork at home and we can't handle it.

This was the worst love story in Married at First Sight history but it was also our favourite, and we will never stop mourning the relationship that was doomed from the moment it started.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 37: WE'RE CRYING.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 35: Heidi and Mike are cancelled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 34: Jess and Dan just had sex and we didn't like it. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 33: Well. That's the best episode of TV we've ever watched.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 32: The problem with Jess and Dan's secret pact.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 31: Jess just got next level mean.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: You don't break Cam and get away with it. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: We've never been so frustrated by a TV show.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The confrontation we've all been waiting for.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: A grown man just snapped on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: Two people just cheated and... hang on.