The Twins recap Married at First Sight: You cannot force your husband to have sex with you.

March 16, 2020

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Well.

Jonethen is pissed off for a number of reasons in case you were wondering.

Firstly, he tried to break up with his girlfriend for the second time in a week and she, along with a panel of experts, said no. To that. Suggestion.

Then, he got lectured to by a roomful of people who, in his own words “WERE SINGLE LIKE A MONTH AGO AND NOW EVERYONE’S AN EXPERT,” and omg so true.

He asks Connie, “do you think I’m giving you mixed signals?” to which she responds “yeah a lil’ bit” and somehow Jonethen refrains from reaching to the dictionary on the shelf and tapping the word ‘LEAVE’ until Connie agrees to read it out loud. Twice.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 16, 2020

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But it’s time for the bride’s home stays and just because you break up with someone doesn’t mean you don’t have to live in their house for a week and hang out with their mum who thinks you and also this entire franchise are a joke.

Over at Mishel’s place, Steve learns that she has one of those weight loss jiggle machines and how did we know that Mishel buys things off the television occasionally.

She shows Steve around her house, pointing out her printed instructions on how to wash your hands and holy sh*t, Mishel was ahead of the game.

Finally they reach her bedroom. Where she would like Steve to sleep. Also. Inside the bed. Not on the cabinet.

“We’ve been exchanging sexy texts,” she tells the camera sheepishly and suddenly Trish emerges from under the bed (sweetie you shouldn’t… be here) and yells SIXY TIXTS and yes darling they’re on top of it.

Oh.

But apparently they’re not that sexy. In that technically Mishel is sending sexy texts and Steve is replying with the thumbs up emoji and that’s the single rudest exchange we’ve ever heard.

Mishel tells him that she thinks they should share a bed given they’ve been fake married for a few months now and Steve is all like “just because we’re fake married and I said I love you and we’re living in your house doesn’t mean we should just jump into your bed like wtf??” and we cannot with you anymore.

Suddenly, Mishel’s daughter appears and, yeah, she looks to be regretting the time she advised her mum to stay in a relationship with this strange man who lives with them now.

Mishel asks how she feels about Steve’s presence, while Steve sits curiously on the lounge beside her, and perhaps he should be… elsewhere. For this…. chat.

With one eye on Steve she says “um yeah it’s fine” and then Mishel asks where she’d like him to sleep.

Like every twenty-something who still lives at home, she doesn’t give a single f*ck, except for the fact that if they’re going to be having sexual intercourse she’d rather not know about it. If that’s… okay.

mishel-daughter — 'I have no idea why I'm participating in this conversation.'

But Steve has decided that if anyone really knows Mishel’s daughter whose name he can’t quite remember right now, it’s him.

“In my opinion, she wants to sleep with her mum,” he says definitively, and she’s like 22 why the hell would she want to sleep with her mum? Sir?

“And that is completely fine,” he says, accepting the decision this young woman never made. We then assume he makes his way into her private bedroom where all her shit is and curls up under her… sheets, so she can share a bed with her mother. As a fully grown woman. And they can both cry. Together. About the strange man sleeping in her bed. For a week.

But things are going very badly for Connie and Jonethen ever since Connie asked her mum if her fake husband could stay for the week and she said “f*ck. No.”

Connie instead rents an Airbnb and heads to the pub with Jonethen and a few friends. Surprisingly, her friends don’t warm to Jonethen because they have a sneaking suspicion he wants to dump their friend, mostly because the only words he says anymore are, “Leave LEAVE leave let me LEAVE.”

Connie’s friend says, “I feel like you’re saying so many words, and you don’t make sense,” and while Jonethen may not be the most articulate man on the planet we… think…. he’s saying…. that he wants to….

Leave. The experiment. But also Connie.

Jonethen finally loses his shit and storms out while people shout behind him, “U STORMING OUT SENDS MIXED SIGNALS” and for the love of God let this man go.

Over in the Shire, KC is telling the camera, “I love going to get coffee… I have the same values as Drew,” and omg getting coffee is one of our values too, so into that.

They end up at a very fancy restaurant in Cronulla where KC declares she’d never want her kids to struggle and thinks parents should give their kids whatever they can. Drew, on the other hand, wants his children to make their own way and KC is SICK of Drew being so OBSESSED with VALUES. She asks WHY he can’t just let them GO given they’re getting in the WAY of their FAKE MARRIAGE.

The next day, she has her family over for lunch, and delegates the job of chopping vegetables to Drew so that she’s free to bitch about him to her mother, aunty but also her grandmother. She explains that he won’t even have sex with her so her grandmother suggests he’s probably gay which is a cool thing to say out loud on the television.

They then ask if Drew gets excited sometimes and... can we not... talk about the erection... of a man.... chopping your vegetables. Idk.

Once they sit down to eat the meal that Drew largely prepared, they decide to yell at him for not having sex with their daughter/granddaughter/niece and KC nods along every now and then yelling “YEAH WHY DON’T YOU TOUCH ME ON MY BOOBS” and we’re mortified.

KC’s mum decides there is only one explanation for Drew’s bizarre behaviour.

“It’s like Charles and Diana, is there a Camilla?” she asks, and - we cannot stress this enough - KC and Drew are nothing like the British monarchy not even a lil' bit.

Drew shockingly reveals that he doesn’t have another girlfriend but just finds this experiment a little weird, and everyone nods and agrees that the best thing to do is probably just bang my daughter like a respectful young man.

Over in Adelaide, Michael and Stacey have just arrived at Stacey’s place and pause.

We’d just like to take a moment to reflect on their recent itinerary.

Last week, they stayed at Michael’s house, just ‘up the road’ from where Stacey lives. Then they flew back to Sydney, for Michael to start sh*t at the dinner party/yell about Evarn at the Commitment Ceremony, then they came all the way back to Adelaide. To allegedly the same street. Where they were. Before.

WHY.

But we digress. Because Stacey has a ring light in her house for Instagram photos and that’s what’s important.

As Michael spends more time living with Stacey, he starts to notice something.

A shoe box with a $1400 price tag on it.

Handbags he knows are worth thousands of dollars.

“Stacey’s a little bit… pretentious,” he tells the camera and sir pls you have a cinema in your home.

As they’re making dinner, Michael casually asks what Stacey will do employment-wise when they move in together (you urgently need to never move in together).

She jokes (??) that she’ll do the cooking and spend the money while he goes to work, and then says she’d like a credit card. With all his money on it. Please.

It’s here we realise that Stacey’s first criminal law case, Hayley v. Michael (pertaining to cheating) may be her last, which is a shame because Michael straight up cheated and it was a terrible use of legal jargon.

For the first time, Michael starts to suspect that perhaps Stacey’s only interested in him for his money and no offence but we thought Stacey made it quite clear her interest was very much informed by, and related to, the… money.

But over in Newcastle for Lizzie’s homestay, she and Seb have slept in separate beds after a very serious fight.

You see, Lizzie asked Seb to come with her to the beach for burgers and he said he was too… tired. For… burgers. Wot.

“I like going to the beach at nighttime and eating burgers,” Lizzie says and no sweetie you don’t have to explain we completely understand.

Seb apologises for being too tired for her plans, and assures her there are plenty more days for them to do the activities Lizzie wants to do.

“It’s not about the burgers…” Lizzie tells the camera and it is and that’s okay.

Listen to Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight, where we say things out loud that we're not allowed to write on the internet. Post continues after audio.

But NO Lizzie has new plans and they’re going to end terribly.

She’s taking Seb to a tattoo parlour, and is encouraging him to get a permanent marking on his body when he can’t even decide if he wants burgers for dinner.

Eventually, he agrees to get a tattoo on the bottom of his foot, which honestly sounds like a sensible decision until we realise he won’t be able to… walk. Out of the… shop.

But no. No no no no no.

Walking is the least of anyone’s worries because we just saw Seb’s tattoo and if his mother doesn’t sue Lizzie/the tattoo artist/Channel Nine for what they’ve done to her poor son’s body we will ALSO get a horrific MAFS tattoo.

Sir.

This is the worst decision you have ever made. And it’s permanent AND will be aired on national television.

BUT SHUT UP BECAUSE MISHEL’S MUM IS BACK AND IF WE REMEMBER CORRECTLY SHE THINKS THIS IS A REAL MARRIAGE WHICH MAKES THINGS ENDLESSLY CONFUSING.

She welcomes her son-in-law graciously into her home for lunch, but lady if you could please sit down Steve has an address to deliver.

He begins by telling Mishel’s family that he told Mishel he loved her last week, and by the time he finishes speaking, we sh*t you not, it is night time.

Mishel’s mum has had two and a half naps but now she’s ready to speak.

As Steve explains that they’ll be together in “some shape or form” after this experiment she asks, firstly, what experiment and secondly, “as husband and wife?”

Steve doesn’t appear to understand the question and neither does Mishel and yes her mum is pissed off about it.

Eventually she tells them that she reckons they’re probably just friends but not like… husband and wife… and you, Ma’am, are the oracle we do not deserve.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 25: 'I said I didn't want a superficial, materialistic, Instagram girl.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: Lizzie is back. And we have... concerns.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Um. A couple was just forcibly removed from the experiment.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: That's the most messed up thing we've ever seen on TV.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: IT'S A GODDAMN CHEATIN' SCANDAL.