Deep breaths everyone because this is going to be one of those Big Emotional Posts.
The kind of post that takes you on a journey. As the tension rises and falls, as you fist pump along with me at some point, and then shake your head and rearrange your mouth into a decidedly ‘WTF’ position, at others.
Prepare yourselves for the big reveal….
Hollywood is remaking Louisa May Alcott’s classic novel, Little Women.
The film will be released in 2014.
We know. Lots of feelings right now. Lots.
Of course, we’re all excited because seeing print characters you genuinely love (does anyone else suddenly realise that Marmee was never an actual living person and cry a little inside?) brought to life on screen is always exciting.
But our hearts are also filled with trepidation because this is one print-to-screen effort that Hollywood has previously gotten VERY right (twice!) and what if this time they get it VERY, VERY wrong?
Imagine the shudder-worthy possibilities.
Megan Fox as Meg, the pretty, eldest March daughter. Because Meg is supposed to be hot, right? Katie Holmes as the Bambi-esque Beth whose – spoiler alert – death is the most emotionally gripping point of the story. Kendel Jenner as Amy. Because think of the spin-off merchandising opportunities of casting a Kardashian, right?
Jennifer Aniston as Marmee. She’s over 40 now, so in the eyes of Movie People it’s about time she moved from hot young thang roles to playing maternal nanna. And of course rebel without a cause Lindsay Lohan would make the perfect Jo March, feisty and…
No. No. No.
It’s all so terribly wrong, you say? We know.
But that could just be the start of it. Cos’ another thing Hollywood does rather brilliantly is butcher a plot within an inch of its life. Script writers are basically sadists* who get some sort of schadenfreude-like pleasure out of rewriting a story, so as to cut out anything remotely important, often rendering the finished product unrecognisable.
Jo March will probably steal Laurie back off Amy and whisk him away to get married in Vegas (because all chick flicks need a truly happy ending). Meg won’t make jam for her husband in an effort to be a good little wife, instead she’ll buy some naughty lingerie and do a striptease for him (capitalising on the world’s 50 Shades of Grey fever).
Perhaps Beth might need a far ‘sexier’ disease to suffer from, maybe she could be anorexic? And Father could come home from the war to find her scraping the contents of her Christmas dinner into the trash.
Alright. So we’re exaggerating a tad. But Hollywood does have a tendency to mess up a really good thing. So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to try and stop it. If this 2014 remake is going to happen then it has to happen right.
Let’s lay down a few ground rules:
1. Laurie must be attractive but in a rogue-ish young buck kind-of-way. Don’t George-Clooney him please.
2. Under no circumstances is Jo March to be played by a model-turned-actress.
3. Beth’s death must remain quiet and peaceful. Don’t make it all dramatic, over-the-top, violent and scary. The sadness is illuminated by the inevitability and the slow decline.
4. Young Amy and Grown-Up Amy do need to look vaguely similar.
5. This story is set during the Civil War. So the costumes should be of the era, please don’t be tempted to get the actresses showing a lot of leg or excessive boob.
6. The chemistry between the actresses playing the four sisters should be priority number one, as it will ultimately make or break the film.
7. Don’t do the thing in 3D. Seriously.
8. Judi Dench must play Aunt March. This is non-negotiable casting.
What do you have to add? Who would you like to see cast in the remake of Little Women?
*We apologise to all script writers. We are sure you’re actually very nice.